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Boffing the Vampire Slayer

Fan Fiction
Buffy the Vampire Slayer

[Cheesy daytime talk-show theme music. We see a talk-show set. Camera pans across audience—mostly teen girls—and comes to rest on a peroxide-blonde, overly-made-up female host.]

Host: Welcome to another episode of BLOOD, SEX AND VIOLENCE, the talk show about all things Buffy! Thanks for joining us. We’re going to be talking about Buffy’s love life today—

Spike: You call that a life? Whatever it was, it bit the dust years ago.

Host: —if I can get a word in edgewise. Joining us today are—

Spike: Larry, Curly, and Moe.

Host: —Buffy’s three major love interests—

Spike: Are you saying I’m one of her major love interests? Oh, goody!

Host: —one of whom is going to be staked if he doesn’t shut up.

Spike: Right. Sorry.

Host: This is Spike, Sunnydale’s sexiest vampire.

Spike: Not that that’s such a big feat. Have you seen the vamps around there?

Host: Sitting to my left is Riley, the Slayer’s ex-boyfriend.

Spike: Note the “ex,” poof.

Riley: Fuck off.

Host: And over to the right is Angel, Buffy’s first love.

Angel: Don’t talk to me.

Host: Um, okay. Spike, let’s start with you.

Spike: Let’s.

Host: According to the show, you’ve developed a bit of a crush on the Slayer. She’s rebuffed your advances, but do you think you still have a chance?

Spike: Of course. She’s mad about me.

Angel: Seems like she’s mad at you.

Spike: If she is, it’s ’cuz I don’t have a soul. It’s all your fault, Angel-boy. Go take a guilt trip.

Angel: Oh. Okay. [broods]

Spike: Back to the matter at hand: Buffy is really dippy about me. She just doesn’t know it yet.

Riley: She beats you up every week, Spike.

Spike: Exactly. [leers at Riley]

Riley: Urgh.

Host: AAANYway… Angel, let’s go to you. What’s it like to be the Slayer’s first love?

Angel: I was her first?

Host: Well, yeah…

Angel: Oh god, I corrupted her… [broods]

Host: Angel. Angel?… Okay, he’s not talking. On to you, Riley: do you think Buffy still loves you?

Riley: Well, I—

Spike: She hates his guts. She told me so.

Riley: When did she tell you this?

Spike: Last night. [leers at Riley again]

Riley: [bouncing up from his seat] Son of a—

Angel: [under his breath] Damn kids.

Host: Whoa, whoa! Didn’t mean to get you all riled up.

Riley: Put your fangs away, Spike. You look like a sick rabbit.

Spike: Shut up, nancy-boy.

Riley: Nancy-boy? Me? I’m not the one who dyes his hair and wears nail polish.

Spike: Bloody wanking sonova— [headbutts Riley]

Angel: Another minute of this and I’ll stake myself.

Host: Well, I guess that concludes the—

Spike: AAGH!! You arsehole, you chipped me nail polish!!

Host: —interview. See ya! Join us for next week’s show: “Buffy: Should She Go Shag?”

All: What?!

Host: Her hairstyle.

All: Oh.

[Theme music; shrieking teen girl audience; credits]

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