Boffing the Vampire Slayer: A Buffy the Vampire Slayer Fic

Spike, Angel, and Riley go on a talk show.

[Cheesy daytime talk-show theme music. We see a talk-show set. Camera pans across audience — mostly teen girls — and comes to rest on a peroxide-blonde, overly-made-up female host.]

Host: Welcome to another episode of BLOOD, SEX AND VIOLENCE, the talk show about all things Buffy! Thanks for joining us. We’re going to be talking about Buffy’s love life today —

Spike: You call that a life? Whatever it was, it bit the dust years ago.

Host: — if I can get a word in edgewise. Joining us today are —

Spike: Larry, Curly, and Moe.

Host: — Buffy’s three major love interests —

Spike: Are you saying I’m one of her major love interests? Oh, goody!

Host: — one of whom is going to be staked if he doesn’t shut up.

Spike: Right. Sorry.

Host: This is Spike, Sunnydale’s sexiest vampire.

Spike: Not that that’s such a big feat. Have you seen the vamps around there?

Host: Sitting to my left is Riley, the Slayer’s ex-boyfriend.

Spike: Note the “ex,” poof.

Riley: Fuck off.

Host: And over to the right is Angel, Buffy’s first love.

Angel: Don’t talk to me.

Host: Um, okay. Spike, let’s start with you.

Spike: Let’s.

Host: According to the show, you’ve developed a bit of a crush on the Slayer. She’s rebuffed your advances, but do you think you still have a chance?

Spike: Of course. She’s mad about me.

Angel: Seems like she’s mad at you.

Spike: If she is, it’s ’cuz I don’t have a soul. It’s all your fault, Angel-boy. Go take a guilt trip.

Angel: Oh. Okay. [broods]

Spike: Back to the matter at hand: Buffy is really dippy about me. She just doesn’t know it yet.

Riley: She beats you up every week, Spike.

Spike: Exactly. [leers at Riley]

Riley: Urgh.

Host: AAANYway… Angel, let’s go to you. What’s it like to be the Slayer’s first love?

Angel: I was her first?

Host: Well, yeah…

Angel: Oh god, I corrupted her… [broods]

Host: Angel. Angel?… Okay, he’s not talking. On to you, Riley: do you think Buffy still loves you?

Riley: Well, I —

Spike: She hates his guts. She told me so.

Riley: When did she tell you this?

Spike: Last night. [leers at Riley again]

Riley: [bouncing up from his seat] Son of a —

Angel: [under his breath] Damn kids.

Host: Whoa, whoa! Didn’t mean to get you all riled up.

Riley: Put your fangs away, Spike. You look like a sick rabbit.

Spike: Shut up, nancy-boy.

Riley: Nancy-boy? Me? I’m not the one who dyes his hair and wears nail polish.

Spike: Bloody wanking sonova — [headbutts Riley]

Angel: Another minute of this and I’ll stake myself.

Host: Well, I guess that concludes the —

Spike: AAGH!! You arsehole, you chipped me nail polish!!

Host: — interview. See ya! Join us for next week’s show: “Buffy: Should She Go Shag?”

All: What?!

Host: Her hairstyle.

All: Oh.

[Theme music; shrieking teen girl audience; credits]

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