Romynian: The New Esperanto

jester

Take the two words “fuming” and “furious.” Make up your mind that you will say both words, but leave it unsettled which you will say first. Now open your mouth and speak. If your thoughts incline ever so little towards “fuming,” you will say “fuming-furious”; if they turn, by even a hair’s breadth, towards “furious,” you will say “furious-fuming”; but if you have that rarest of gifts, a perfectly-balanced mind, you will say “frumious.”
Lewis Carroll

I have, by Lewis Carroll’s definition, a perfectly-balanced mind. For years I’ve been combining pairs of words to form new words, sometimes accidentally but mostly deliberately. I have so many personally-coined words and phrases that I’ve basically created my own language, which I call “Romynian.” Once you peruse this list of Romynian words and phrases, I’m sure you’ll agree that it’s the language of the future, the new Esperanto. Within five years it will be taught in all American schools, and within ten years it will be the language of international business and diplomacy.

Or not. Anyway, this is my little language…

do / did a Howards End

Phrase
To be smushed by a falling bookcase

“Could you help me with this bookcase? I’m about to do a Howards End here.”

In the book (and movie) Howards End, there’s a scene where a character is killed by a falling bookcase. Since my apartment is full of large bookcases, which I am constantly moving and rearranging (in my usual clumsy way), getting trapped under a fallen bookcase is a regular occurence in my home. So far, none of these accidents have been fatal…

emm / emming / emmed

Verb
The m-shaped movement of a running squirrel

“Look at that squirrel, emming along the sidewalk — I love it when they stay off the grass like that.”

Have you ever seen the way a squirrel runs? Their bodies squiggle vertically up and down, forming a perfect m shape. So, as an avid squirrel-watcher, it seemed only logical to create a word that described this motion.

futs

Expletive
Abbreviation for “fuck this shit”

“Oh, futs — I think I just erased my whole web site!”

I use this one a lot. A LOT.

geek walk

Noun
The stumbling walk of one who rarely leaves their computer chair

“Give me a minute, I’ve got a bad case of geek walk — if I go into that china store now, I’ll be smashing Precious Moments figurines right and left.…”

Come on, fellow geeks, you know this one: You’ve spent five days straight hunched over your keyboard, your leg muscles quietly atrophying while you code or game or hack. Eventually, inevitably, you run out of food (or the cat hacks up a hairball in another room, or your significant other is having noisy sex with your best friend on the living room couch, or whatever) and it’s time to stand up and do something. But… what is this? Where has your muscle control gone? Off-balance and flailing, you reel around helplessly, smacking into walls and knocking things off shelves as your feet turn every which way and your legs wobble like rubber, rebelling at the concept of carrying your weight. Many’s the time I’ve gone grocery shopping after a solid week of coding, veering wildly down the aisles and into shelves (and carts, and people) while my husband sighs and wonders why we never think to use one of those motorized carts provided by the store.

glimper

Verb
A gloating simpler; gloating in an obnoxiously cute, little-girl way

“She had tickets to the Bruce Springsteen concert and we didn’t, so she glimpered all day.”

The only thing worse than someone gloating over you is when they gloat in the most obnoxiously cute way possible — they simper, they purr, they all but bat their lashes while they revel in their victory (whatever it might be). And the worst part is, you can’t pin them for being a smug bastard, since they’re just too adowable to be blamed for anything. This is the kind of victory dance you get from golden-haired little girls and frail little old ladies.

Helen on Stilts

Noun
Fictional band name; used to denote any generic punk/metal band

My mother and I were watching the first season of Lost — more particularly, we were watching the first Locke-centric episode. Early in the episode, Locke speaks to a woman named Helen on the phone; he deludes himself that they’re in a relationship, but she’s actually just a phone sex operator. Later on, Locke is in the jungle hunting, when the local unseen monster thingie comes roaring out of the bushes; from the monster’s high POV (it’s very tall, apparently), we see Locke looking straight at it, amazed. Said my mother, “It’s Helen! On stilts!” To which I responded, “Sounds like a band name.” And thus was born another phrase.

kills the rabbit

Phrase
Cool; groovy; funky; sexy; all-around good

“That outfit of yours really kills the rabbit, babe.”

The best phrases come from Google referrals. Someone came to my site via this phrase: “pregnancy tests really kill the rabbit”. How can you not love that phrase?

kruhoeffering

Verb
using a pseudonym (generally because you think your real name is dorky)

“That name can’t be real! He must be kruhoeffering.”

It came as a terrible shock to me to discover that my favorite local TV weatherman, Paul Douglas, was actually working under a pseudonym — his real birth name is Douglas Paul Kruhoeffer. The lies, they never cease.

poodles

Expletive
An exclamation of dismay

“Wait — was I supposed to slice open the trachea and *then* insert the tube, or the other way around? Oh, poodles!”

I grew up in a family where swearing was not allowed — traditional swearing, that is. It was perfectly fine to make up your own pseudo-obscene phrases, and creativity was encouraged. (My mother used “Slobodan Milosevich!” as her own personal curse for several years.) I’m not sure when or why “poodles” became a bad word to me; maybe it’s because I’m not fond of the breed, or because people are constantly making poodle jokes to me because of my curly hair. Whatever the cause, the word seems firmly ensconced on the “dirty” side of my vocabulary.

semisexual

Noun/Adverb
A person who is sexually attracted only to certain subgroups of a gender (blondes, tall men, Armenians, etc.)

“Mom… Dad… I’m a semisexual. I only date long-haired musicians who front for garage-punk bands. That whole ‘Jewish doctor’ thing just isn’t for me…”

We’ve all heard of “homosexuals” and “heterosexuals” — gay and straight, respectively. But those are such non-descriptive words; after all, being gay doesn’t mean you’re attracted to every human with a penis, just as being straight doesn’t necessarily imply a willingness to kiss anyone with breasts. If anything, the vast majority of humans are semisexual — they have a particular taste in mates, and they rarely venture outside their self-selected category. So the next time you hear, “It’s nothing personal, you’re just not my type,” console yourself with the knowledge that you’ve uncovered yet another semisexual.

shikker

Noun
Derogatory abbreviation for “shit-kicker”

As with “poodles”, it’s amazing what words you can come up with when your parents won’t allow you to swear growing up.

Skiddish

Noun
1. A mixture of Scottish and Yiddish; 2. Yiddish spoken with a Scottish accent

This word was actually inspired by my husband, who has picked up my habit of saying “Oy!” all the time, but whose Jewish accent needs a bit more work — if anything, it comes off sounding Scottish. Since I have fair doses of both Scottish and Jewish blood in my veins, it works out fine for me.

smeg

Noun/Adjective/Expletive
All-purpose expletive

“Oh, great — the smegging computer just crashed and lost all my smegging data. Megs of smeg all down the drain! SMEG IT ALL TO HELL!”

This word is actually from the British sci-fi comedy Red Dwarf, which has loads of good words for silly situations.

snuckle

Verb
Combination of “snort” and “chuckle”

“C’mere, you have to see the new Happy Tree Friends cartoon — it made me snuckle all over the monitor!”

I’m sure everyone has had this happen to them at some point: You’re reading a blog (and a funny one, at that), and you’ve just taken a sip of your drink when you read something so funny it makes you laugh out loud — which, of course, sends your drink right out of your mouth and/or nose and all over your computer monitor. Yeah. You just snuckled.

Tell me again about the rabbits, George.

Phrase
Used to indicate stupidity

“So there I am trying to plug an American razor into a French outlet. I know, I know — tell me again about the rabbits, George.”

Steinbeck’s novel Of Mice and Men centers around two friends, George and Lenny. Lenny is retarded, and George looks out for him. Their dream is to buy a little farm together and raise rabbits — and, whenever Lenny needs a pick-me-up, he begs his friend to “tell me again about the rabbits, George.” Not having any respect for the classics (or for the mentally disabled), I promptly co-opted that phrase for my own personal use — God knows I do enough stupid things every day to warrant constant repetitions.

USA

Acronym
Unknown Scottish Actors

Due to my devotion to punning obfuscation and my infamous crush-harem of barely-known Scottish thespians, it seemed reasonable to mingle patriotism with fan devotion and come up with an acronym. So, if you’re ever listening to some blowhard politician give a flag-waving speech about his love for the USA and you happen to catch sight of me grinning and nodding appreciatively, don’t credit me with any great patriotism — I’m probably thinking about Ewan Stewart.

washing machine

Noun
An instant, powerful turn-on

“I only watched Batman and Robin because of George Clooney. Even with the nipple-suit, he’s a total washing machine.”

What’s the biggest sex toy in your home? The washing machine. Ladies, you know what I mean — you turn it on, you take a seat on top, and you feel the good vibrations. So, in a larger sense, anything — or anyone — that takes you straight to your NC-17 happy place can be termed a “washing machine”. George Clooney? Washing machine. Dark chocolate? Washing machine. George Clooney covered in dark chocolate? I… I… ahem.