Quotes: Open Foot, Insert Mouth

Things I’ve said, things others have said, things that probably shouldn’t have been said.

Me

[seeing my college campus for the first time]
“I can’t go here. No towers to shoot from.”

“The doors of perception just slammed shut in my face.”

Tony

My husband

[his take on zombie motivation]
“I like jelly… and I’m back from the dead… so I want jelly!”

[while very sleepy]
“Mr. Potato Head is the only Asian doll…”

Aged P

My mother

[while watching Titanic]
Rose [to Jack, with whom she has just had sex]: When the ship docks, I’m getting off with you.
Aged P and Romy: YOU JUST DID!

Ancient Weapons Expert: The ancient Greeks put bells on their chariot horses’ bridles, so that the ringing would be all the animals would hear, thus drowning out the sounds of battle and preventing the animals from getting spooked.
Aged P: Wow! That’s brilliant! I’m gonna hang windchimes from my cat!

“That squirrel keeps sliding across my window. I named it Squeegee.”

Romy: Tomato fights must be so expensive.
Aged P: Yeah. Apples are cheaper, but they hurt.

“I’m discovering how many radios I have. Everywhere I turn, there’s a radio.”

Romy: [describing the first chapter of "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince"] …and then the wizard turns the Prime Minister’s teacup into a gerbil!
Aged P: Wow! That is so much better than Jesus!

[telling my pet rat to drop a crumb found on the floor]
“Don’t eat that, you don’t know where that’s been!”

Others

Miscellaneous folks

“I see white people. They’re everywhere…”
my sociology teacher describes the suburbs

Mentally-Challenged Janitor Guy: Hi!
Me: Hi.
MCJG: You’re prettier than Janet Jackson.
Me: Um… thanks?
a brief (but apparently complimentary) exchange between yours truly and a janitor mopping a shopping-mall floor