Without-Feathers.com

My father hated radio and could not wait for television to be invented so he could hate that too.

– Peter De Vries

Television: Most Hated

This page, probably more so than any other page on this site, is sure to garner me some flame mail. Nice, normal people can become rabid fanatics when it comes to defending their favorite television shows—I found this out the hard way, when I tried to explain to a WB-watching friend my reasons for disliking 7th Heaven. Now that my broken nose has healed (so much for turning the other cheek!), I’ve decided it’s not necessary for me to explain politely why I don’t like a given show—if it sucks, it sucks, and I’m entitled to my opinion. (You’re entitled to yours too, of course. Even if your favorite show does suck. ;-P )

7th Heaven

Goody-goody religious shows make me want to have sex on a bloody pentagram while a cauldron of babies bubbles on the stove. Plus, who can keep track of all the damn characters? It’s like they add more every week. And any show that guest-stars Ashlee Simpson, even in a bit part, automatically makes my hate list. Why didn’t they have the good sense to go off the air after their first “series finale”?

Charmed

Three fashion-challenged skinny chicks, blessed with supernatural powers and terrible hairstyles, balance the trials of magic-making with the trials of being hot, young, and female. Color me bored.

Desperate Housewives

At first, I wasn’t watching it because I just didn’t care. Then I wasn’t watching it because everyone else was. Then I thought, “Hey, give it a chance,” so I tuned in... and didn’t even make it past the goddamn title intro, where the “pregnant” woman from the Renaissance painting is doing housework while rubbing her belly. She’s not pregnant, fuckwads! It’s a long, bunched-up skirt, okay? Why not misspell “Murdoch” while you’re at it?! Research, people, research! Petty, but enough to keep me from watching the show (which I did tune into later, only to find it just as bland as I thought it would be).

Gilmore Girls

A show about a ditzy mother and her monotonous teenage daughter, and how they like to talk and talk and talk about mundane, cutesy things. As if that’s not enough, there’s also a small town full of quirky, lovable characters. I hate quirky, lovable characters. I also hate Alexis Bledel’s slurred monotone—are you drunk, girl, or do you just need new dentures?

The O.C.

Where is this magical place where all the men have horrid haircuts and all the women have eating disorders? Oh, right—California. (And I thought Florida was the Fountain of Fug...)

Smallville

I’m a Superman fan, and would love to see a decent show about how the Man of Steel came into his destiny—the operative word here being decent. This show is, frankly, one of the most boring things on TV, and this is coming from someone who gets enthused about Time-Life infomercials. Props must be given to Tom Welling, though, who surely holds the record for Longest Time Holding Down An Acting Job Without Learning How To Act. You’d think he’d have picked up some tips from the other actors...

Veronica Mars

Here it is, folks: the dullest thing I’ve ever seen, on any screen of any size. Yawn. It looks like low-budget crap, strives for suspense and intrigue but falls into boredom and idiocy instead, and stars an actress who plays a seventeen-year-old but looks to be twice that age. Throw in a cringe-inducing script and the aforementioned too-old actress’s painfully flat line delivery, and you have a really, really bad show. Every now and then, I stumble across this and try my damndest to sit through an episode, thinking maybe it’ll improve with familiarity. Nope. I’ve yet to make it through an entire episode—yes, it is truly that bad.

Tidbits

Runners-Up

• Bionic Woman
• Prison Break
• Pushing Daisies
• Sex and the City

This Season’s Stinkers

• K-Ville
• Life
• Viva Laughlin