Many books require no thought from those who read them, and for a very simple reason; they made no such demand upon those who wrote them.
– Charles Caleb Colton, “Lacon”
Books: Most Hated
“Hate” is a strong word, and I don’t use it lightly — particularly when it comes to books. I can usually find something to like about even the worst books... but then, there are a few stories where the bad points far outweigh the good. Fortunately, I haven’t come across too many books that make me want to scratch my eyes out, so this list should hopefully remain fairly short. (Hopefully...)
The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown
This book was hugely popular for a time... something I’m still trying to figure out, as it easily takes the Worst Fiction Book I Ever Read prize at the Romy Award Show. Most of this book’s fame (or notoriety, if you prefer) came from the revolutionary idea presented in the plot: that Jesus and Mary Magdalene were married, and that their line continues today. (For some reason, everyone seemed to think this was a new idea, although I distinctly recall reading about it at least ten years ago; isn’t it mentioned in the Dead Sea Scrolls or something?) I’m not going to get into that theory, or the fact that most of the reading public unquestioningly accepted it as gospel truth (heh!); even without that controversial idea, the book is a morass of bad writing, predictable plot twists, and enough digressions into historical background to bore even the most dedicated history fan to tears. The plot plods along with paint-by-numbers predictability, weakly fueled by some of the dumbest riddles and blandest puzzles ever invented by the human mind (though, to be fair, some of the riddles were created by a character who was gut-shot and bleeding to death, so his part in the puzzle-making is somewhat forgivable; I expect he was just as anxious to be free from the book as I was). I hate to say this, because I can envision the amount of flames it’s going to generate, but I think the secret to this book’s success was the lack of other reading done by its fans — people who never read feel proud of themselves for getting through a whole book (especially a “smart” and “grown-up” book — hey, it’s got history lessons!), and having nothing to compare it to, they promptly proclaim it the best book they ever read... forgetting, of course, that they can count the other “smart” and “grown-up” books they’ve read on one hand. (Frankly, every fan I’ve talked to fits this profile to a T.) By the time I got to the all-too-predictable end, I was practically crying from boredom and despair — despair for the art of writing and for the human race, for (and I don’t think I’m exaggerating here) the success of this book surely signifies the downfall of our species. We have lost all our hard-won logic and taste; we will devolve into Neanderthals and be eaten by sloths and dingoes. So dark the con of Man? So bad the book of Brown.
Dracula by Bram Stoker
As a diehard fan of vampire mythology, I really really wanted to like this book... and, well, I just couldn’t. It’s pretty bad, so bad that it took me five tries to actually get through it. The initial setup, as told through Jonathan Harker’s diary, is intriguing, and if the story had continued in that manner, I would probably have enjoyed it. But the whole thing soon devolves into a Freudian mess of vampiric attacks, blood transfusions, and heroic men driving their thick, hard stakes into naughty young women. (Believe me, I hate psychological overanalysis as much as you do — but when a pretty young woman is repeatedly injected with bodily fluids from a group of men who are almost all interested in her romantically, I can’t help but read between the lines.) It’s a classic storyline, yes, and I do thank Mr. Stoker for bringing vampires back into popular culture — but I just can’t feel this vampire’s vibe.
The Epic of Gilgamesh by the ancient Sumerians
During my very first semester in college, I had to read this for World History class — and, as a direct result, I seriously considered dropping college altogether and spending my life as an itinerant roadkill remover, because week-old raccoon corpses would be several steps up from reading Gilgamesh. Adding insult to injury, we had to write a report on the epic; for once in my good-student life, I crumpled under the weight of my hatred and, not even attempting to bullshit my way through, wrote five whole pages on how much I hated it all — the misogyny, the pointlessly rambling monologues, the way Gilgamesh is always whining about something or other (he puts Achilles’s kvetching to shame). It might be the oldest story ever told, but it’s also the dullest.
Her Name, Titanic by Charles Pellagrino
Was it the misspellings? The bad index? The terrible fan fiction sprinkled throughout the book? Yes, yes, yes, and more. This book goes far beyond being just a bad Titanic book — it’s a bad book, period. When the author isn’t boring the reader to tears with his pompous “log entries” and endless conversational transcripts, he’s offending their sensibilities with his fanfic descriptions of the ship’s final moments, and repeatedly comparing the disaster to the Challenger disaster, which took place when he was writing the book (apparently, he can’t stick to capitalizing on just one tragedy). Subject matter aside, there’s the issue of the book’s proofreading, copyediting, and indexing — the issue being that whoever’s in charge of those departments needs to be fired, right now. Flip through the book and count how many different ways Lightoller’s name is spelled. And then toss this book on the trash heap.
Old Souls by Tom Shroder
This book touts itself as having “hard to explain away” evidence of reincarnation, but the author’s “evidence” boils down to this: If it looks like a scientist, and acts like a scientist, it’s a scientist — so if this guy says he’s found proof for reincarnation, he must be telling the truth; he’s just too dignified to not be completely right! It’s more a case of star-struck idol-worship than the persuasive treatise on reincarnation it pretends to be. I’ve read some truly terrible pseudoscience books in my time, but never one as depressingly weak as this. It’s a waste of the paper it’s printed on.
2004 NaNoWriMo novel by Me
Hey, if I can dish it out, I should be able to take it, too. ;-) My 2004 novel sucked all kinds of literary ass. It was so bad, I didn’t even go back to edit it — I just closed the Word document and left it untouched. It’s still sitting somewhere on my hard drive, gathering digital dust. I’m just glad I had the sense not to show it to anyone else; I have a (future) literary reputation to preserve...
