Weekender #9: July 11, 2009

A collection of links, news, and oddities that I’ve come across during the past week.

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Weekender

Think your family’s screwed up? Let me ask you this: have you ever put nudie pics of your mother up for sale online? If you answered yes, you’re this kid; if you answered no, you’re normal.

He’s barely been dead a week, and already the Michael Jackson ghost sightings are starting.

A town in Poland is hotly debating whether or not to cut down an oak tree donated to them by Adolf Hitler. By that logic, we should tear up the ground he walked on, burn down the buildings he lived in, and ban everyone from growing his favorite flowers. Hating Hitler is one thing; taking it out on innocent trees is another. (Unless it is a pocket-picking, wallet-snatching tree, in which case it should be punished to the fullest extent of the law.)

ATTN men: we are one step further on the road to making you useless. Now all we need to do is make a decent jar opener, and we’ll be ready to initiate Operation Man-B-Gone.

I’m amused by people who lie about their war record — like this guy, whose D-Day exploits don’t match up with his military records. I have a hunch that the people whose longing for wartime glory leads them to exaggerate their exploits would not actually want to be in the thick of the fighting — and who would, really?

Does it count as looting if the homeowner is already dead when you break in? Where I live, the answer is yes.

Undercover Spy Rule #307: Don’t put your family snapshots on Facebook. Everyone knows that Facebook is crawling with spies.

How much do I want this computer mod? So much I’ve got steam coming out of my ears.

Animal news: alligator found in Minnesota pond (it’s okay, they arrested it); drunk badger blocks traffic; mouse-deer (mice-deer?) can be kept in a bathtub; whatever this is, it is too close to me for comfort; decoy-building spiders teach us all how to replace ourselves with cardboard cutouts at our cubicle desks while we go out and enjoy the day; something big and dead just washed up on the shores of a Canadian lake (may be a sea monster, may be a big fish… with mange)

The on-again, off-again sequel to The Wicker Man is now rumored to be on, again. Cowboys for Christ will be basically the same damn thing, but with American Mormons instead of Scottish cops.

Been meaning to get into P.G. Wodehouse, but not sure where to start? The A.V. Club has a shiny new primer available in their “Gateways to Geekery” series.

How do you lead a lost dog home? Not by leaving a trail of your family’s diluted urine in the streets, apparently — not only does it get the neighbors all riled up, but it’ll probably only work if you’re a family of incontinents.

Ugly men make more sperm during sex, which means you’re more likely to get knocked up by that fugly dude you took home out of pity than the Roman god you managed to bag. Nature’s such a bitch.

Getting a tattoo is a long, painful process, but then, so was reading the series — so commemorate the agony with a Twilight tattoo! Then again, one could argue that anyone old enough to legally get a tattoo is too old for the series… but once again, TwilightMoms.com proves me wrong. Oy.

Women spend almost a year of their lives deciding what to wear?!? Ladies, save some time by taking my “Dress Like A Hobo — And Fast!” class.

Hobos, stop by Constance Bay and have a drink on Greg Harvey.

Captain Nelson, take note: In Saudi Arabia, you can sue a genie.