Weekender #1: Saturday, May 9, 2009

A collection of links, news, and oddities that I’ve come across during the past week.

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Weekender

BREAKING NEWS: Kiefer Sutherland can be kind of an asshole when drunk. In fact, pretty much all you can say for drunken Kiefer is that he doesn’t hit women or club baby seals. Or maybe he only clubs baby seals who bump into Brooke Shields.

Have you ever met someone really beautiful, and then that person opens their mouth and is a moron? Or, even worse, tries to sing and can’t? And with every awful noise coming out of their mouth, you can feel your lust for them shrivelling into nothingness? If you have never experienced this, watch Denise Richards singing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame”.

Gorilla head theft! This is definitely the best story involving the stealing of an animatronic ape’s head that I have read all week, maybe even all month. Bonus points to the thieves for using it “as a decorative centerpiece”, because nothing gives a house class like a severed gorilla head. Martha Stewart would agree, I’m sure.

Here is a helpful guide to the different breeds of white supremacists. It’s like a rainbow, but with no other color but white. Crap, that’s a boring rainbow.

St. Paulians: get your poems stamped into cement! I never even knew that St. Paul had a contest for poets (amateur and professional) where they stamped the winner’s poems onto a sidewalk, but now I know and it pleases me to no end. The contest is open for submissions; I may or may not submit something, because the poems must be 300 words max and I don’t have anything that short right now.

Generally, supernaturally-themed comic books with ridiculously sexy heroines who sleep in studded collars and wrist guards do not really spark my interest, but I will make an exception for the promising-looking Wide Awake. It’s just starting up, so catch it while it’s fresh, friends.

Is HTML 5 ready yet? No.

You know what is always good for a laugh? Geocentrism. It’s right up there with people who believe that the pyramids were built by aliens and that the world is run by Freemasons, because “it’s just easier to explain things that way.”

Also amusing are people who see the Virgin Mary on everything, no matter how mundane — even greasy restaurant grill mundane. I, personally, don’t see it; that shape looks more like a deformed penis to me… which probably means I’m going to hell, but we already knew that, right?

I am going to be kicked out of the Cultural Sensitivity Country Club for this, but I find the idea of bulletproof turbans for British Sikh police officers entirely hilarious — useful, yes, but also HI. LARI. OUS. I keep picturing bad guys shooting at the Sikh cops (“Aim for the turban, boys!”), and the bullets bouncing right off the elegant wrappings, and the bad guys all, “Wha-a-a?” Superhero Sikhs, that’s what they’d be.

And the Mommy Award goes to… this lady! Because the only thing wiser than driving drunk with your 4-week-old baby in the car is taking a corner so fast that the kid flies out of the car.

Jose Carreras is retiring from opera. But I hear the Vikings are looking to hire him, so maybe it won’t be a permanent thing. Hang on — dammit, that stupid Brett Favre stuff is slipping in everywhere.

Hey, this lady made a car disappear! Suck on it, Harry Potter!