Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over: June 25, 2008

In which amusing headlines are reproduced.


It is going to be one of those days, I can tell. How? Well, it’s 8:30 in the morning, and I’m already misreading headlines…

  • Rare beached melon-head whale rescued
    Well, yeah, you’d have to be a total melon-head to get yourself beached… what’s that?… its the species name? Oh. Whatever.
  • Grandfather suspected of killing family with hammer
    And the first thing that went through my head was, “Wow, Gramps knows MC? Awesome!” Also: anyone know how to get blood off parachute pants? (Also also: Japan has the freakiest murders in the world. Seriously. Subscribe to a Japanese newspaper RSS feed, you’ll see what I mean.)

In my defense, sometimes it’s the headlines that are to blame, not me. I have a collection of saved articles in my RSS news feeds to back this up. For instance:

  • The Independent (Ire.): Violins for free, no strings attached
    Um, yay… stringless violins. What a deal.
  • The Daily Telegraph (Aus.): Breakthrough in hit-run naked dad tragedy
    It’s like they made a headline using magnetic poetry pieces…
  • Pope’s visit ‘will be a boost for brothels’
    Like I could make that up if I wanted to.
  • AFP (Aus.): Humans could all be aliens
    What’s that Lewis Black phrase about horses and college semesters? The one that describes the kind of sentence gives you an aneurism if you think too hard about it? Yeah, this is one of those.
  • BBC: Tortilla threat
  • The Mainichi Newspapers: Pigeons better at recognizing themselves than 3-year-olds, research suggests
    Well, who the hell expects a bird to be able to recognize some random toddler, anyway? That seems like an unfair standard…
  • BBC: Great tits cope well with warming
    This turned out to be about birds. I was so disappointed.

Australia, in particular, has some doozies — and some self-loathing issues, it would seem:

  • Aussies fat, drunk, and riddled with STDs
  • AAP: Aussie women drunk, stressed and confused
  • Aussies still keen on booze, drugs
  • Herald Sun: A million workers turn up drunk or stoned
  • Obese mums, fatter babies, more caesars

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