3.08.06: Kirlie Puckler Hits the Widget ‹ Blog

We can’t all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
Will Rogers

Kirlie Puckler Hits the Widget

March 8, 2006

I was all set to write some schmaltzy tribute to newly-deceased Hall-of-Famer Kirby Puckett and the incredible influence he had on me when I was growing up—I was all set, I say, until I realized that he hadn’t had any damn influence on me at all (I was always more into basketball), and that the only childhood memory I have of him is when he retired and I went out and bought a Kirby Puckett baseball card because, hell, now it might actually be worth something. But it wasn’t, and it didn’t send me to college, so he’s already been dead to me for awhile, y’know? Also, I just might be harboring some unfair resentment towards the guy, because the Fox network ran a news ticker on the bottom of the screen during 24 to tell us Kirby was dead—which is fine, as long as they run it just one or two times at strategic intervals, but then it got into the four, five, seven, thirteen, every-three-minutes times, and by the end of the two-hour 24 special I was chanting along with the ticker, word-for-word, with my eyes closed. Also—and this, too, is Fox’s fault—I am writing this entry the day after the girls’ session on American Idol, and have therefore hopelessly confused Kirby Puckett and finalist Kellie Pickler into some strange, fat, blonde beast called Kirlie Puckler. See? Hopelessly confused.

But then, you should ignore me when it comes to memorializing sports heroes, because I think that “sports heroes” is an oxymoron. In my narrow-minded little worldview, a hero is someone who goes above and beyond the call of duty to do something unusual and important for the benefit of others, usually with an emphasis on human/animal survival or planetary improvement. (The exception is Paul Newman, who is heroically handsome and makes good salad dressing. Anyone who makes good salad dressing and heats up the kitchen while doing so is a hero in my book.) Gandhi, Schindler, mother cats who nurse baby squirrels—those are heroes. Some guy who hits a home run? That’s an entertainer. Not that entertainment isn’t good, but things like food and vaccines and political freedom come first, and the people who get us those things will always top the folks who just bat balls for a living. And I can already hear the angry rumblings of my Minnesotan readers, who venerate Kirby as a god among men and are more than ready to march right on over and pummel me senseless for my blasphemy. (You wouldn’t hit a girl with glasses, right?...)

So we still have the Widget, who has settled in so thoroughly that we can’t get him out of his cage even to clean it. Of course, it’s a little harder to corner him now that we’ve added the big-ass, pimped-out, three-level tank-top addition, which gives him hours of exercise and gives us hours of fun watching him run up and down the ramps like a fuzzy little torpedo. Not only does this allow him to stick his wee little nose between the bars and blissfully inhale our breath when we’re speaking to him, it also lets him throw his unwanted food out of his cage. The little dude’s a sweetheart, but he does have his diva fits when it comes to his food. Corn?! he squeaks, digging angrily through the heaping pile of mouse food in his little plastic cafe-table food dish. CORN?! This is unthinkable! Corn is for peons! TAKE IT AWAY! And out go the kernels from the third pimped-out level, arcing gracefully through the air and cracking me on the back of the head while I sit at the laptop, writing this entry. (Ow.)

Despite the kernel-kicking, he’s still the sweetest little thing I’ve ever come across. I’m 90% certain now that he’s not an outdoor rodent, and that someone was keeping him as a pet. But they must not have been a very caring or responsible widget-owner, because not only was the little guy not wearing a collar, I haven’t seen any “Lost Widget” posters going up around town. Plus, I’m pretty sure the Widget isn’t neutered. I mean, come on—if you’re not responsible enough to neuter your widget, you shouldn’t have gotten it in the first place. Sheesh.