Eternal Sunshine Causes Scorching Heat: June 23, 2005
In which I judge the internet.
Categorized
It’s going to be a real scorcher here today, so I’m just kicking back and taking it easy; without an air conditioner, I don’t want to overwork myself. (Cue the derisive laughter.) Complete relaxation always seems like a good idea, but is actually very annoying; I like to break up my mental work schedule with bouts of physical activity, so sitting still and tapping my toes feels very unproductive. Still, I’m going to get a lot of computer and school work done today.
It’s easy to forget that Minnesota isn’t just the land of freezing winters, it’s also the land of steamy summers. This is the first time in... okay, take out the in: this is the first time I’ve ever gone through an entire summer without an air conditioner. My mother, who just got hers installed, keeps trying to drag me across the hall to her refrigerated apartment, and my mother-in-law went so far as to offer to buy us an AC herself. “We’ll install it!” she says. “We just want you guys to be cool! We worry about you!”
It’s going to be a terrible pun, but: I have the coolest relatives.
Dammit, I hate sitting still for so long. Especially when I’m listening to Celtic music. I wants to jig! Jig what yer momma gave you! Jig it like a Polaroid picture! I know you wanna jig that, I know you wanna jig that, jig —
Whoa. So this is what heatstroke feels like.
Moving on (quickly, please, let the police do their jobs), we arrive at the ever-popular Bitch List, which today deals with the World Wide Web and its various travesties. After a morning of web-surfing, I’ve come to a few conclusions:
Reciprocal links are stupid.
If someone likes my site, they can link my site. But if I notice the link in my referrer logs and go check out their site, I might not be totally impressed. Should I link to them anyway, out of gratitude for their admiration? I don’t feel I should have to. I link to sites I like, and I don’t want to end up with a huge list of links cluttered up with mediocre sites. And if a much-admired webmaster chooses to link to my site, I want to be sure that it’s because they honestly like my little domain, and not because they’re simply being gracious. The same goes for my link pages, too — if I’ve linked to your site, it’s because I admire it; you have no obligation whatsoever to return the feeling or the link. (And, for the record, this isn’t based on any particular personal experience; I was just pondering this dilemma while noticing other people’s link pages.)
Commenter plug scripts are annoying.
Okay, so you want people to comment on your blog entries. To entice commenters, you install a plug script that automatically plugs the last post’s commenters at the end of your next post. Or, even worse, you simulate the script by doing it manually. Listen, kids: no one cares who commented on your last post. In fact, those lines of linked names at the end of each post are just plain annoying. If you want people to comment, write something worth commenting on. Better yet, start a flame war at another site, then make sure everyone knows your URL. Trust me, you’ll get tons of comments if you do that.
Originality is one thing; fugly is another.
Serif text with sans-serif links, long strings of “decorative” symbols in the title bar, and text where every different style (bold, italic, etc.) is of a different font and/or color, are all good ways to keep your visitors in a state of total annoyance. And don’t get me started on link hovers. The things I’ve seen… my god, I wake up screaming at night.
Most review sites should DIE.
Maybe that’s a bit harsh — I think there are a handful of review sites that are redeemable, if their owners would bother to brush up on their coding skills and follow their “no sugarcoating” mottos. In general, though, I’d say that most review sites are completely and totally expendable. Like, if the Web was a horror movie, these sites would be the Goth chicks, or the sluts, or the cheerleaders, or the boy with the thick glasses and button-up shirt. And they would be killed in various horrible ways, and their blood would stain the barren ground, yea, and their smarter and prettier friends (like CSR) would end up as the survivors, driving off into the sunset and running over the shattered corpses of their friends without even noticing the bump. Yeah.
What’s worse than celebrity blends? Celebrity blends that have the same celebrity in them more than once.
This is just one of my bizarre pet peeves, but I can’t stand those celebrity blends that use the same celebrity more than once. It’s even worse if they use the same celebrity in the same general pose, and a blend of a four-times-appearing celebrity in the same exact outfit makes me see all kinds of red.
Desktop screenshots — what’s up with that?
Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s fine to put up a small snapshot of what wallpaper is currently gracing your computer desktop. The logical thing to do then would be to link to wherever you found that particular desktop — after all, the reason you’re posting the picture in the first place is to show everyone your cool new desktop, right? Apparently, though, a lot of people are missing the point, because it’s happening more and more that I see a cool desktop pic, click on what I think is a link to the wallpaper, and end up with a full-sized screenshot of the person’s actual computer desktop — icons, folders, toolbars, and all. Now, why the hell would I want to see that?
Splash pages are not all bad.
It’s become very popular to diss the whole concept of splash pages, but I, personally, think they have a certain value. Besides alerting the visitor to what they’re going to find inside the site (pop-ups, large layouts, JavaScript, etc.), they also serve an aesthetic purpose, in the same way a well-designed cover page helps beautify (and clarify) a report. A well-designed splash page helps you decide whether or not the site is worth visiting. A badly-designed splash page, of course, is nobody’s friend, and should be taken outside and shot many times.
The WWW is owned by Australians and Asians.
Not that this is a bad thing! I am not being racist! See, this is the face of non-racism, right over here! Oh, why do I even bother; you’re already sending the hate mail. I just think it’s interesting that 85% of the personal sites I visit are owned by teenage girls of Asian extraction, and that the other 10% are owned by teenage girls of Australian extraction. (We’ll give a generous 5% to the Britons, who are making valiant but futile efforts at total internet domination even as I type this. The Brits never cease with the world-domination thing.) I feel very alone here…
If you took any of the above seriously and are actually going to send me hate mail, you are another thing I hate about the ‘net.
Some people can’t take a fucking joke anymore. Dingbats.
Steady, watch me navigate — or… not.
So I’m at this one site (not naming names, because I’m discreet), and it’s got celebrity blends, teensy-weensy text, VERY busy layout, the whole bit, right? But I’m a trooper, so I keep surfing it anyway. To navigate, you click on the nav bar links, which all open in little pop-up windows, aforesaid windows having nice little content areas and links. But get this: the links don’t open in the pop-up windows. They open in the main window, the big one beneath the pop-up. So, to navigate through this site, you have to open the pop-up window, click on a link, and go back to the main window to read the page. Now, I wasn’t really motivated enough to do a thorough code check, but I’m pretty sure it’s not my browser that’s doing it. ?!? I’d send the owner an e-mail, but I’d rather rant about it here. Indirectness has gotten me far in life. ;-P
Jeez. I never knew I was this bitter.
Moving on to an entirely unrelated topic, here’s a timely piece of local news: a Minnesotan couple was found to be keeping 70+ rabbits in their home; apparently, the rabbits were the remnants of a business idea that didn’t pan out. (Weirdly, this kind of animal-hoarding seems to be fairly common around this state.) The rabbits are said to be mostly in good health, and are up for adoption. It would be an understatement to say that I’m tempted, but... it wouldn’t be a good idea. It’s too soon after Charlie, and I doubt our landlord would approve. But… wittle bunnies! Wif their wittle wiggly noses! And their wittle tails! Aww…
Oh! I didn’t tell you! My husband got me cool gifts! For no reason at all, he bought me two posters, both shots from Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid; the larger one is the famous final image, and the smaller one is the famous Redford-Newman pic. Needless to say, they’re both fairly spotted with drool by now. I loves me some Bob and Paul, I do. But I loves me some Tony more. :-)
Speaking of entertainment, I finally got around to watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It was… odd. Disturbing. But generally thought-provoking, and I mean that in a good way. Even Jim Carrey was good. It was very late and I was very tired when I watched it, so I haven’t really organized my thoughts on it yet, but I will say that it’s a film very much suited to a late-night viewing when the viewers are tired. It’s like a nightmare, and you all know how much I like nightmares. Personally, I still think Being John Malkovich is Charlie Kaufman’s best work, but this movie, like all of his other work, is still very much above the average dreck Hollywood spits at us.
Oooh… the heat just broke. Now it’s mildly warm, instead of being oven-like. I can finally dry out my sweat-soaked hair! Yippee!
Argh. Work is calling me; school is draining me; heat is making me SWEAT SWEAT SWEAT. Lucky Australians; they get to have snow in summer. I think I’ll move down there.
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