6.15.05: Good, “Star Wars” Was ‹ Blog

Happy Bloomsday to you all! Go… do all those weird things Leopold did. And don’t read too much James Joyce; it’ll just make your head ache.

Good, Star Wars Was

June 15, 2005

Okay girls (and select guys), here’s a question for you: do you ever, while running your fingers through your luxuriant, silky-smooth hair, ever brush against your ear, feel some foreign object on your earlobe, and think “Eegh! There’s something on my earlobe!,” and grab hold of said thing and yank smartly, only to realize (as the tears well up and the blood begins to flow) that said thing is actually your earring? And that you are, therefore, a complete moron who nearly ripped your ear right off your head?

Welcome to my world. I do this every day.

While I’m mopping my ear-blood off of the keyboard, let me segue smoothly into this entry’s topic, which is Star Wars—namely, Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, which my family and I saw fairly early on, but which I haven’t yet gotten around to writing about. Shall we begin?

Everybody and their droid has already written a review of this movie, so I’m going to confine myself to the key points that jumped out at me. Of course, it goes without saying that spoilers abound.

I hate revisionism.
Were C-3P0 and R2-D2 originally owned by Anakin and Padmè? No. Did Yoda know Chewbacca before Luke Skywalker was even born? Not to my knowledge. I’m no purist, but I don’t think they should be trying to rewrite the original trilogy. They’re turning the Force into the Farce.

No alien-language subtitles? Awww…
Y’all know how much I love my foreign-language films.

No Ling Bai? Double awww…
Ling Bai is my own personal in-joke. Don’t ask.

Ewan McGregor does a damn good Alec Guinness.
I never knew I had a thing for Ewan (or Alec), but the minute he started doing that clipped cadence and plummy accent, I felt a great disturbance in the Force, if you know what I mean. That knight can show me his light saber any day.

Hayden Christensen sucks and must die.
Thank god he’s not coming back in this series. That boy couldn’t act his way out of a paper bag. And what’s with all this flap about how cute he is? The kid doesn’t stand a chance next to Ewan McGregor and his Beard of Appealment.

Samuel L. Jackson, on the other hand, is the bomb.
No, I’m just kidding—he’s so not the bomb, he’s like one of the smelly hippies protesting the bomb. His only apparent purpose was to make Hayden Christensen look like Laurence MoFo Olivier by comparison. I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy to see someone lose a hand.

OH MY GOD, political insinuations are TEH SHIZNIT.
“Insinuations” is a light word, actually, for the ongoing anti-Bushist attitude of this film. My whole liberal family and I were practically applauding every time someone made a comment on “freedom” or “democracy” or “liberty dying.” Even if you’re Republican, you have to admit Lucas should have his say; after giving us this awesome fandom, he deserves to draw whatever parallels he wants.

The chopping-off of limbs gives me the warm fuzzies.
Oh, don’t look so shocked. You knew I was like this when you hired me to be your dominatrix.

Palpatine = Sidius = Pontius Pilate from Life Of Brian
“Sthwike him, centuwion! Sthwike him vewwy wuffly!”

That moment when Darth Vader took his first breath through his new mask?
Don’t tell anyone, but I think I peed a little.

If anyone asks, my religion is Jedi.
It’s a legal religion now, isn’t it? And it’s so much like my favorite philosophy, Taoism—except with light sabers. I think Lao Tzu would have approved—everything’s better with light sabers.

Moral of the story: just because your opponent is missing both legs and an arm doesn’t mean he’s done for yet.
If good means being stupid enough to leave your fallen enemy without first cutting off his head and driving a stake through his heart, then I must be bad to the core. Anyway, where’s the compassion in leaving Stumpy to toast while you take to your heels? Why not do some assisted suicide?

I think I’ll refer to murder as “assisted suicide” from now on.
Not related to Star Wars, I know. I just couldn’t help mentioning that.

Meh. It was a good movie, but I’m already missing that Beard of Appealment. Sigh.