1.01.05: Clean Slate Fall Down Go Boom! ‹ Blog

A good resolution is like an old horse, which is often saddled but rarely ridden.
Mexican Proverb

Clean Slate Fall Down Go Boom!

January 1, 2005

Ah, 2005. A new year, a fresh start, a clean slate. (Why the hell do they call it a clean slate anyway? Like we spend the year making chalk marks on it or something? Maybe the phrase is supposed to conjur up the idea of new beginnings, but for me it conjurs up the idea of Anne Shirley cracking Gilbert Blythe over the head. But then, I’m a freak and a half.) In keeping with the spirit of the New Year (I’m thinking terror, suffering, and ongoing troubles—hey, half the world just got hit by tidal waves), I will suffer myself once again to perform my yearly ritual of reviewing the past year’s resolutions and then making some new ones. And you, dear reader, will suffer with me. Oh, the joy.

I will start using capital letters again.
YES, I THINK I’VE MANAGED TO FULFILL THIS ONE.

I will stop calling the rabbit “hraka-breath.”
Well, I stopped calling him that... but I call him worse things when he’s making a lot of noise for no reason other than to be utterly annoying, AS HE IS DOING NOW.

I will not sweat the small stuff.
Actually, I didn’t sweat much of anything this year. Even the big stuff. I was sweatless. I use emotional RightGard. Yay me!

I will cut down on sweets and sugary foods.
The empty pack of M&Ms in front of me is laughing. Really.

I will stop swearing at Winnie-the-Pooh.
Nope, couldn’t keep that one. Fucking yellow bear.

I will stop having erotic dreams about Jeff Goldblum.
Done and doner. It’s all Tim Russert these days, baby.

I will not bite my nails anymore.
Kept this one (pretty much). Now my nails are so long I can scratch your retinas out.

I will collect every They Might Be Giants song out there.
Well, I meant to keep this one. But then I stopped downloading songs illegally (because, y’know, with all the other laws I break, I figure I better keep to the straight path when it comes to the small stuff), and iTunes charges 99¢ a song, and I just ain’t that rich. So TMBG goes on the back burner for awhile, while I dig out my CDs and listen to some old favorites.

I will stop screaming “TROGDOOOR!” at random intervals.
Complete and capitalized NO. Because nothing gets a reaction like screaming “TROGDOOOR!” in a public place.

I will learn a foreign language.
Well, I did get pretty good at Pig Latin…

I will try not to make dead baby jokes around my family.
So not kept. In fact, I think I might have made a few dead baby jokes at the recent in-law get-together. (I can’t really remember. That whole afternoon was a blur of Lutheran goodness.)

I will limit my theological discussions.
Well, I might have managed it, if Bush hadn’t been re-elected. As it is, I’m going to be ranting about religion for at least the next four years...

I will resist my maternal instincts.
It’s been hard, what with my cute li’l niece and all. But I think I’ve managed.

I will stop calling George W. Bush a dingleberry.
What I’m calling him now is unprintable, even for this loose-moralled site.