The Wicker Man
Movie Review
2006 | PG-13
Reviewed April 11, 2007
IF YOU LIKED THIS MOVIE, YOU ARE A MORON. And no, that’s not being too harsh. Granted, the original 1973 movie is one of my all-time favorite films, but even if the original movie had never been made, this new title would still suck all kinds of ass. As it is, anyone who’s seen the original will spend all 102 minutes of this fresh hell cringing at the acting, the script, the very scenery. The acting is abysmal; even the usually reliable Nicolas Cage obviously recognized the suckiness of the whole production and, understandably, did not bother to waste his energy on anything resembling acting. (Same goes for everyone else.) The script eschews subtlety and suspense in favor of snideness, sarcasm, and stupid sudden “scares”, and the only decent lines in the entire thing are the ones lifted verbatim from the original film. The ending—that wonderful, chilling, brutal original ending—is now nonsensical, over-complicated, and nowhere near as shocking as it’s obviously meant to be. If I had the money, I’d buy up every copy of this dreck, stuff it into a rattan couch and roast it.
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