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The Terminator, Terminator 2: Judgement Day

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Terminator 2: Judgement Day

Movie Review

1991 | PG-13
Reviewed ?

As far as action/sci-fi movies go, The Terminator wasn’t too bad. The plot was pretty freaky, the special effects didn’t suck too much, and Arnold Schwartzenegger was born to play the part of a metal-muscled, emotionless assassin. I wouldn’t buy it, but I would stop channel-surfing to watch it on TV.

And as far as sequels go, this... okay, I was going to type “isn’t bad,” but that would be a lie. But then, “sucks” would be an exaggeration, because it’s certainly not the worst I’ve ever seen in this genre. It’s... okay. Just okay.

If you’ve seen the first movie, you know that Schwartzenegger’s robotic wrecker is the bad guy. Not so in this one—here, he’s been sent back to protect the ever-so-important John Connor, who is now a preadolescent punk with parent issues and a rap sheet. John’s mother Sarah is in the looney bin, raving about terminators and judgement day; John’s father is—well, that’s all in the first movie. So who’s the bad guy now? The T-1000, a super-advanced terminator who can shape-shift and melt through doors. Fear the mercury monster, yo.

For some reason, the movie-making powers-that-be seem to think that the audience enjoys stories that center around little kids who must be protected from Very Bad Things. Problem is, the little kids are invariably portrayed by annoying child actors, who turn the role into such a whinefest that, by the movie’s halfway mark, every reasonable adult is wishing the kid would fall down a well already. That’s one of the major drawbacks with this movie: the bratty kid, whom we are supposed to care about because he is the Boy Who Lived—’scuse me, I get my series confused—the one who will lead the human resistance during the war against the machines. He’s also the guy who sent his friend back through time to impregnate his mother, thereby making his friend his own father, which makes him his own grandpa... or something. Not that it matters—the less you think about the plot, the better. Just watch the pretty guns go off, and try not to hate your twelve-year-old future saviour too much.

With a title like Terminator, one expects to see some gore, and there is gore galore in this movie. But—and I didn’t actually realize this until later, when I thought back over it all—if you watch closely, you realize that the Terminator himself never actually kills a human being in this film. He just gives them really bad boo-boos, like shooting them in the knee instead of the head—which explains how robots managed to take over the planet, because they have well-oiled joints and humanity has been reduced to a bunch of limping losers. Also—and yes, I am being a nitpicker, but dammit, it’s what I like to do—you’d think that the cops would fire only a few dozen rounds into the Terminator before figuring out he’s basically invincible, but nooo, they’re all pausing to reload and everything. Those bullets cost money, people. Those are your tax dollars at work.

The one gleaming, shimmering, shape-shifting bright spot in this load of meh is Robert Patrick, playing the evil T-1000 robot. I always expect an excellent performance from Patrick, but I have to give him extra props here; he took what could easily have been a two-dimensional role and gave it life and depth. His Terminator is so inhuman, even just in the way he moves, that it’s hard to believe that the actor behind the character is really alive; for a perfect example of what I’m talking about, watch the way he reacts to being shot. Arnold’s steroidal muscles and steely jaw have nothing on RP’s slim, wiry athleticism; if the Terminator is a rhino, then the T-1000 is a jaguar. And, well, I’m a cat person.

Overall, I... can’t totally recommend it, can’t totally not. It’s worth a once-over, if you catch it on TV or if you can borrow it from a friend, but it’s not a keeper. Any Robert Patrick fans (and you should all be Robert Patrick fans) should definitely look for screencaps, at the very least. And remember, kids: don’t aim for the head when you can hit the knees. It’s the ethical thing to do.

Ratings

• Excellent
• Memorable
• Average
• Meh
• Stupid
• Terrible

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