Congratulations. You are still alive. Most people are so ungrateful to be alive. But not you. Not anymore.
– the puppet, “Saw” (2004)
Reviews – Movies: S
RATINGS KEY
0/5 – Terrible. Not worth the eyestrain.
1/5 – Bad. Only watch it if there’s nothing else on TV.
2/5 – Okay. It’s not bad, but it’s not good either.
3/5 – Average. Rent it and watch it once.
4/5 – Good. Worth watching a few times (or even buying).
5/5 – Excellent. Watch it, buy it, quote it, love it.
Saw (2004) · Reviewed 5.21.06
4/5
Two strangers wake up to find themselves imprisoned in a room by a deranged serial killer who plays sadistic games with his victims to teach them the value of life; with a corpse lying between them and clues scattered about the room, they have mere hours to solve the “puzzle” and save their own lives. And yes, it’s every bit as grim, disgusting and scary as that sounds. In fact, I’d heard it was so awful that even my morbid sensibilities might be offended; if my husband hadn’t rented this, I probably never would have bothered to watch it. It’s a good thing he did—turns out this low-budget thriller has damn good acting, decent scripting, awesomely gruesome special effects, and a plot so disturbing it actually gave me goosebumps. My only problem was with Cary Elwes—he was great, as he always is, but even after all these years I still think of him as Westley from The Princess Bride; I kept expecting an ROUS to appear. Overall, though, this was a good flick; so good, in fact, that I’m actually wary of watching it again—I don’t want to give myself nightmares.
The Sentinel (2006) · Reviewed 11.01.07
1/5
Oh-em-gee, there is a mole in the Secret Service!!!!11one Only it’s not Michael Douglas. No, really, Kiefer Sutherland, it’s not Michael Douglas. But this is one of those movies where everyone has to be very dense for an hour and fifteen minutes, so that the sudden dawning of reality at the very end is extra–exciting to watch. I’m pretty sure all “mole in the government, shoo–fly–shoo!” plotlines have been done to death since at least 1990, so why this movie even exists is beyond me; there are no new takes, no special twists, not even the jazzy special effects that are usually used to justify films like this. Michael Douglas is treading perilously close to Sean Connery territory in his delusion that he’s not too old to be an action hero; the usually reliable Kiefer Sutherland stumbles through his role like he hasn’t had his morning coffee (to be fair, he couldn’t do much with the bad script anyway), and Eva Longoria is there for no apparent reason in a role that merely requires her to look concerned and have cleavage. As far as the plot goes, I correctly pegged the mole within the first fifteen minutes, and then I had to sit through another hour before the little people on the screen finally cottoned on and decided to start shooting at each other a lot, which caused Kim Basinger (as the President’s wife) to do that weird twitchy–shrieky seizure thing she does whenever she’s pretending to dodge bullets (see Batman). If this is a realistic portrait of the Secret Service, then those poor real–life agents have to suffer through a daily routine of predictable boredom punctuated by moments of intense stupidity, and always with the lurking fear that they might have to make out with Kim Basinger. Yeep.
Shaun of the Dead (2004) · Reviewed 5.30.07
4/5
A zombie-movie spoof with a heart … that is going to be ripped out and eaten by hordes of the walking dead. Shaun (Simon Pegg) is a slacker with family issues, roommate issues, and girlfriend issues; just when he thinks that life can’t get any worse, a zombie plague strikes London, and he must race to save his family and friends. If this film had been done by Americans, it would be an American Pie-style mess of fart jokes, vulgar language, and bloody zombie attacks. It still is, but the British have a much better touch for this kind of comedy, and gags that would seem predictable and stupid in American hands have a freshness and unabashed silliness that positively charms. It’s funny enough that I almost recommended it to my mother, but bloody enough that I’m glad I didn’t—just the perfect mix for a zombie comedy (zombedy?).
