Maybe you don’t know what I’m talking about now, but believe me you will when it’s over. You will when it’s over.
– Apollo Creed, Rocky IV
Reviews – Movies: R
RATINGS KEY
0/5 – Terrible. Not worth the eyestrain.
1/5 – Bad. Only watch it if there’s nothing else on TV.
2/5 – Okay. It’s not bad, but it’s not good either.
3/5 – Average. Rent it and watch it once.
4/5 – Good. Worth watching a few times (or even buying).
5/5 – Excellent. Watch it, buy it, quote it, love it.
The Right Temptation (2000) · Reviewed 10.24.07
1/5
Tell me if this sounds familiar: Rich Person hires Private Detective to check up on Rich Person’s Spouse; against all odds, Private Detective and Rich Person’s Spouse fall hard for each other—but wait! Is Private Detective being set up by Rich Person & Spouse to be the fall guy for some clever crime???… Yeah, the seen–itÓallÓbefore bells were ringing for me, too. I’ve seen this plot in countless bad Canadian made–forÓTV movies over the years; aside from slightly higher production values (and an attempt to freshen up this stale plot by making the private dick… well, dickless), this flick could easily pass for the same. Naturally, all the characters have the combined IQ of a fried eggplant, a necessary impairment for all (and for us viewers) if the storyline is to continue creeping forward. How our intrepid investigator manages to miss the whoppingly obvious plot twists, I donÙt know—it's all so heavily foreshadowed, the director might as well have stuck his head into the frame at the end of each scene and said, ÜHey, did you catch that? Here, let me recap the vital points.… Okay, up next: The likeable young sidekick uncovers a VITAL CLUE and goes to inform the detective. LET’S HOPE NOTHING BAD HAPPENS TO HIM FIRST!” Kiefer Sutherland is pretty, but not pretty enough for me to give a shit about this film.
Rocky IV (1985) · Reviewed 3.24.07
1/5
Rocky is totally retired—no, really—but then! he is CHALLENGED! by a robotic Russian named Ivan Drago! Can! Rocky! BEAT HIM?!? … Well, obviously, since otherwise it would be Ivan I instead of Rocky IV. Rocky also gets to single-handedly end the Cold War by winning over the Russians with his plucky determination, then delivering a post-match “give peace a chance” speech that brought tears to my eyes because it was yet another piece of evidence that somebody really fucked up Sly Stallone’s head with those forceps when he was being born—what other excuse could he have for agreeing to make this steaming pile of a movie?
Rocky Balboa (2006) • Reviewed 4.28.07
3/5
Surprisingly, this exceeded expectations—it wasn’t good-good, but as Rocky sequels go, it’s definitely the best. The original Rocky was great because it mixed the whole fighting-underdog boxing story with a sweet, romantic innocence; this sequel comes as close to that original ambience as any Rocky sequel is likely to come. I hope they close the series on this note.
