Chaos reigns. There is opportunity in chaos.
– Xander Drax, The Phantom
Reviews – Movies: P
RATINGS KEY
0/5 – Terrible. Not worth the eyestrain.
1/5 – Bad. Only watch it if there’s nothing else on TV.
2/5 – Okay. It’s not bad, but it’s not good either.
3/5 – Average. Rent it and watch it once.
4/5 – Good. Worth watching a few times (or even buying).
5/5 – Excellent. Watch it, buy it, quote it, love it.
The Phantom (1996) · Reviewed 3.24.07
2/5
Billy Zane stars as the titular superhero, wearing a mask (or is that just his eyeliner?) and a bright-purple bodysuit as he zips through the jungle (both the literal one and the metaphorical urban jungle of New York), fighting injustice and flexing his abs. It’s dashing! It’s daring! It’s... probably the worst comic-book-based film I’ve ever seen (well, except for Swamp Thing). I stopped taking this movie seriously when Zane came crashing through the jungle undergrowth on a white horse with a wolf at his heels—and that was in the first five minutes. It only went downhill from there, with a plot involving supernaturally-powerful skull statuettes and evil businessmen who want to RULE THE WORLD (don’t they always?), and the inevitable love affair between Mr. Purplepants and a woman who’s known his alter-ego for her entire life, yet can’t even recognize his voice when he’s wearing a mask. Catherine Zeta-Jones shows up as a sexy femme fatale who wants the Phantom for herself; that makes two Titanic connections (she starred in the TV miniseries, and we all know what movie Zane starred in). Normally a movie of this quality gets no stars and a raspberry (phbttt!), but it was so stupid that it was actually funny, and it kept me in stitches for the entire runnning time—I laughed so hard I cried, in fact. If you’re into so-bad-they’re-hilarious movies, give this one a spin; otherwise, rewatch Batman Begins.
The Poseidon Adventure (1972) · Reviewed 5.21.06
4/5
A cruise ship is struck by a gigantic wave and capsizes, leaving a handful of survivors trapped in the bowels of the ship and struggling to make their way up toward the top—er, the bottom. Watch as families are torn apart! Thrill to the acts of heroism and bravery! See Leslie Nielsen try not to be funny! Setting the style for every disaster movie to come, this movie spares no dramatic twist or special effect—and it doesn’t spare the characters, either; you may be able to predict who’ll go under next, but that doesn’t mean it’s not shocking when they do. For once, I liked most of the characters enough to actually root for them to survive—the exception being the precocious little boy and his hysterical teenaged sister, a prototypical (and typically annoying) duo that has been replicated in almost every disaster movie since. This film’s not quite an A+, but it’s certainly well above C-level.
A Prairie Home Companion (2006) · Reviewed 5.17.07
3/5
I’ve been a fan of the titular old-timey radio show since I was a wee little kid—oh, Garrison Keillor, how your voice still haunts my dreams! I even went to see it performed live. It’s a great show, there’s no argument about it—but how do you make a movie about a radio show? I watched this movie all the way through, and I still don’t have an answer. It’s not a bad movie, exactly—Robert Altman movies rarely are—but it didn’t seem to pull together well enough; the vaudevillian variety-show feel of the radio show just doesn’t translate well when applied to a film. Taken as a series of barely-connected vignettes, it’s amusing enough, but eventually everything starts to feel repetitious. Still, it’s worth seeing just for the star power; a film with this many good actors can’t be all bad. Garrison Keillor does not have a face made for the big screen (seriously, he makes Stephen King look handsome), but whenever he opens his mouth and that beautiful, velvety voice comes out, it’s like you’re a little kid again, waiting with bated breath for your favorite bedtime story. Kevin Kline doesn’t fit my mental image of private eye Guy Noir, but he pulls the role off with aplomb; most of the movie’s best moments involve him, even if he’s just at the edge of the shot. And I had no idea how strangely satisfying it would be to hear Meryl Streep sing the “Be-Bop-A-Re-Bop Rhubarb Pie” jingle.
The Prestige (2006) · Reviewed 4.04.07
5/5
A tragic accident shatters the friendship of two young magicians, and incites a lifelong animosity; as their careers ascend, so does their rivalry, until neither can be stopped in the obsessive quest for vengeance. I’d write more, but I’m afraid I’ll inadvertantly give away the plot, which is so tightly wound and carefully twisted that even the smallest details speak volumes; think Memento and The Others rolled into one. (It’s directed by the guy who directed Memento, which is a recommendation in itself.) I’m a sucker for turn-of-the-century movies anyway, and turn-of-the-century magic movies get extra points in my book—but even if the cast had been wearing blue jeans and toting iPods, this movie would still get a 5/5 rating. Hell, even Scarlett Johansson’s English accent worked! For once, the blurbs on the back do not lie when they claim that “you’ll want to watch it again the minute it’s over”—I sat spellbound through all two hours, and if it hadn’t been near midnight when I finished it, I would certainly have popped it right back in.
The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes (1970) · Reviewed 5.25.07
5/5
It’s ironic that, as a great fan of Sherlock Holmes, I tend to avoid most Holmesian movies—all too often such “video pastiches” are grossly inaccurate and an insult to a fan’s intelligence, as if the creators of said pastiches had simply watched one Basil Rathbone movie and decided that they were now qualified to make a new Holmes story. So of course I approached this movie with trepidation; the awkward title alone made me nervous. Surprisingly—very surprisingly, and pleasantly so—my fears were entirely unfounded. Short of The Seven-Per-Cent Solution, this is the best original Holmes movie I’ve ever seen. It’s witty, thoughtful, and genuinely touching; obviously the director/writer is a dyed-in-the-wool Holmes fan, for he’s created a beautiful tribute to (and unflinching character study of) the one we fans refer to as “the Master”. Robert Stephens makes an excellent Sherlock, and we finally get a decent Watson in the form of Colin Blakely—for once the perpetual sidekick gets to flirt with the ladies, utilise his medical expertise, and occasionally make deductions of his own (although he does deteriorate inevitably into comic relief as the film progresses). (One minor quibble: why do all Sherlockian movies feature a slim Mycroft? Is it assumed that the audience won’t take him for Sherlock’s brother unless they have a similar build?)
