The Marine (2006) ‹ Bits « Without-Feathers.com

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I hate cops... and rock candy.
Morgan, The Marine

The Marine

Movie Review

2006 | PG-13
Reviewed April 21, 2007
Rating: 1 stars

A career soldier comes home to spend some quality time with his wife… an idea which is, of course, doomed to end badly, since men with biceps wider than their neck generally don’t get to take a quiet vacation, at least not in Movieland. Sure enough, wifey is kidnapped by Robert Patrick and his gang of Evil Crooks, who lead our muscular hero on a merry chase through the swamps of South Carolina. Oh, and then there’s something about a diamond heist, too… You can’t expect too much out of a film starring a professional wrestler, but Robert Patrick is quite capable of bumping even the dumbest action movie up a few notches — and he does manage here, if only slightly. It’s the kind of movie where they don’t really bother with minor things like continuity and realism (how many times can a guy get hit on the head and not even get a scratch? And don’t get me started about the miles and miles he runs through a swamp, in summer, and he barely even breaks a sweat). The fight scenes are remarkably bland; I swear they used a stunt double for the lead actor whenever he had to do anything beyond a basic punch or throw (which was not very often, actually). It does, however, stay fairly entertaining, if only on a count-the-goofups level. And the climactic battle between good and evil — er, between John Cena and Robert Patrick — is hilariously over-the-top, taking place in a burning warehouse that’s conveniently littered with weapons for Patrick’s fighting convenience. That had me gasping with laughter even after the movie ended, thinking of all the interesting weapons they must have considered and discarded when filming that scene: Robert Patrick with an eyelash curler! Robert Patrick with a menorah! Robert Patrick with a Tickle Me Elmo!