Would somebody please shoot this guy?
” Rome, The Marine
Reviews – Movies: M
RATINGS KEY
0/5 – Terrible. Not worth the eyestrain.
1/5 – Bad. Only watch it if there’s nothing else on TV.
2/5 – Okay. It’s not bad, but it’s not good either.
3/5 – Average. Rent it and watch it once.
4/5 – Good. Worth watching a few times (or even buying).
5/5 – Excellent. Watch it, buy it, quote it, love it.
The Marine (2006)
1/5 | Reviewed 4.21.07
A career soldier comes home to spend some quality time with his wife... an idea which is, of course, doomed to end badly, since men with biceps wider than their neck generally don’t get to take a quiet vacation, at least not in Movieland. Sure enough, wifey is kidnapped by Robert Patrick and his gang of Evil Crooks, who lead our muscular hero on a merry chase through the swamps of South Carolina. Oh, and then there’s something about a diamond heist, too... You can’t expect too much out of a film starring a professional wrestler, but Robert Patrick is quite capable of bumping even the dumbest action movie up a few notches—and he does manage here, if only slightly. It’s the kind of movie where they don’t really bother with minor things like continuity and realism (how many times can a guy get hit on the head and not even get a scratch? And don’t get me started about the miles and miles he runs through a swamp, in summer, and he barely even breaks a sweat). The fight scenes are remarkably bland; I swear they used a stunt double for the lead actor whenever he had to do anything beyond a basic punch or throw (which was not very often, actually). It does, however, stay fairly entertaining, if only on a count-the-goofups level. And the climactic battle between good and evil—er, between John Cena and Robert Patrick—is hilariously over-the-top, taking place in a burning warehouse that’s conveniently littered with weapons for Patrick’s fighting convenience. That had me gasping with laughter even after the movie ended, thinking of all the interesting weapons they must have considered and discarded when filming that scene: Robert Patrick with an eyelash curler! Robert Patrick with a menorah! Robert Patrick with a Tickle Me Elmo!
Mean Girls (2004)
3/5 | Reviewed 9.13.06
A homeschooled girl from Africa finds herself thrown into the entirely foreign world of American high school; now she must walk the line between her true friends and the Plastics, the superficial pretty-girl clique that has offered her acceptance. Will our heroine fall prey to bitchy queen bee Regina’s evil schemes, or will she come back with some of her own? Read the title and take a guess... It’s typical teen-girl movie fare, replete with the usual cliches: hot rich girls are evil, social pariahs are good, and the “nerdy” heroine is only a geek until she applies some lipgloss. Much of the movie is surprisingly clever, though, and I have to give props to Tina Fey for writing an amusing script. (The very first scene, with its send-ups of homeschooler stereotypes, made me squirt my soda right out my nose.) Most of the humor lies in the throwaway lines and in Lindsay Lohan’s credibly nuanced performance (credible for this type of movie and that type of actress, anyway). The whole thing drags on a bit too long, however, and everything wraps up in the happy-with-a-bow kind of ending that are apparently required of teen-girl movies by law—why does the heroine always have to learn a lesson and become a better person? Everyone was much funnier when they were evil...
Munich (2005)
1/5 | Reviewed 9.13.06
I know, I know—I’m supposed to like this, because it’s a Spielberg film and it’s got historical drama and it involves Jews (hey, kinda like that other little film he did), but... I wasn’t feeling it. The story was plodding, punctuated by scenes of ever-increasing violence, the heavy-handed point of said violence being to make us ask ourselves at what point righteous vengeance turns into pointless carnage—yes, Spielberg, I got the point, you don’t need to hit me over the head with it EVERY SINGLE SECOND. Eric Bana did not wow me, and neither did anyone else. The most compelling parts of the film were the reenactments of the actual hostage situation; unfortunately, the conceit of having Bana’s character “visualize” them in dream sequences and during sex (?!?) cheapened the effect. It could have been a good movie, even with the same plot, but I think Spielberg would have done better if he’d just stuck to the original hostage-taking.
