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Favorite Quotes

Movies

All the President’s Men (1976)

Ken Clawson: Please, listen, now, if you’re going to refer to that alleged conversation with Sally Aiken, you can’t print that it took place in her apartment. I have a wife and a family and a dog and a cat.

Clark MacGregor: If you print that, our relationship will be terminated.
Bob Woodward: Sir, we don’t have a relationship.

Kenneth Dahlberg: I’ve just been through a terrible ordeal. My neighbor’s wife has been kidnapped!

Bob Woodward: Who’s Charles Colson?
Harry Rosenfeld: Sit down. You know, I’m glad you asked me that question. The reason I’m glad you asked me is because if you had asked Simons or Bradlee they woulda said, “You know we’re gonna have to fire this schmuck at once because he’s so dumb.”

Harry Rosenfeld: Woodward. Bernstein. You’re both on the story. Now don’t fuck it up.

Carl Bernstein: Boy, that woman was paranoid! At one point I—I suddenly wondered how high up this thing goes, and her paranoia finally got to me, and I thought what we had was so hot that any minute CBS or NBC were going to come in through the windows and take the story away.
Bob Woodward: You’re both paranoid. She’s afraid of John Mitchell, and you’re afraid of Walter Cronkite.

Ben Bradlee: We’re about to accuse Haldeman, who only happens to be the second most important man in this country, of conducting a criminal conspiracy from inside the White House. It would be nice if we were right.

Ben Bradlee: You guys are probably pretty tired, right? Well, you should be. Go on home, get a nice hot bath. Rest up… 15 minutes. Then get your asses back in gear. We’re under a lot of pressure, you know, and you put us there. Nothing’s riding on this except the first amendment to the Constitution, freedom of the press, and maybe the future of the country. Not that any of that matters, but if you guys fuck up again, I’m going to get mad. Goodnight.

Amelie (2001)

Narrator: With a prompter in every cellar window whispering comebacks, shy people would have the last laugh.

Army of Darkness (1992)

Ash: Now listen up, you primitive screwheads. See this? (holding up shotgun) This . . . is my boomstick! The 12-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart’s top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That’s right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about $109.95. It’s got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That’s right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. You got that?

Duke Henry: I am Henry the Red. Duke of Shale, Lord of the Northlands and leader of its peoples.
Ash: Well, hello, Mister Fancypants. Well, I’ve got news for you pal, you ain’t leadin’ but two things: Jack and shit… and Jack just left town.

Ash: (to Sheila) First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. Blow.

Ash (to Sheila) Gimme some sugar, baby.

Ash: (trying to remember the magic phrase) Klaatu Verata N… necktie… nickel… It’s an “N” word, it’s definitely an “N” word!

Ash: (shoots Evil Ash) Good. Bad. I’m the guy with the gun.

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes! (1978)

Commercial: Last year, more people were killed by automobile accidents, heart attacks, lung cancer, and natural causes combined than by any one tomato.

Catch Me If You Can (2002)

Frank Abagnale, Sr.: Two little mice fell in a bucket of cream. The first mouse quickly gave up and drowned. The second mouse, wouldn’t quit. He struggled so hard that eventually he churned that cream into butter and crawled out. Gentlemen, as of this moment, I am that second mouse.

Carl Hanratty: Well, would you like to hear me tell a joke?
Earl Amdursky: Yeah. Yeah, we’d love to hear a joke from you.
Carl Hanratty: Knock knock.
Earl Amdursky: Who’s there?
Carl Hanratty: (chuckling) Go fuck yourselves. (turns up car radio)

Roger Strong: Frank, would you like to say grace? (long pause) Unless you’re not comfortable.
Frank Abagnale, Jr.: Absolutely. Two little mice fell into a bucket of cream. The first mouse quickly gave up and drowned, but the second mouse, he struggled so hard that he eventually churned that cream into butter and he walked out. Amen. (all say "Amen")
Carol Strong: Oh, that was beautiful. The mouse, he churned that cream into butter.

Frank: Brenda, I don’t want to lie to you anymore, all right? I’m not a doctor. I never went to medical school. I’m not a lawyer, or a Harvard graduate, or a Lutheran. Brenda, I ran away from home a year and a half ago when I was sixteen.
Brenda: (in shock) Frank? Frank? You’re not a Lutheran?…

Dr. Strangelove (1964)

The President: Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the War Room.

Evil Dead II: Dead By Dawn (1987)

Annie: The first passage will allow the demon to manifest itself in the flesh.
Ash: Why the hell would we want to do that?

Der Himmel über Berlin (1987)

Homer: What is wrong with peace that its inspiration doesn’t endure?

The dying man and Damiel, thinking together: As I came up the mountain, out of the misty valley into the sun. The fire on the cattle range, the potatoes in the ashes, the boathouse floating in the lake. The Southern Cross. The Far East. The Great North. The Wild West. The Great Bear Lake. Tristan da Cunha. The Mississippi Delta. Stromboli. The old houses of Charlottenburg. Albert Camus. The morning light. The child’s eyes. The swim in the waterfall. The spots of the first drops of rain. The sun. The bread and wine. Hopping. Easter. The veins of leaves. The blowing grass. The color of stones. The pebbles on the stream’s bed. The white tablecloth outdoors. The dream of the house in the house. The dear one asleep in the next room. The peaceful Sundays. The horizon. The light from the room in the garden. The night flight. Riding a bicycle with no hands. The beautiful stranger. My father. My mother. My wife. My child.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

The Knights of Camelot: (singing)
We’re knights of the Round Table, we dance whene’er we’re able.
We do routines and chorus scenes with footwork impec-cable,
We dine well here in Camelot, we eat ham and jam and Spam a lot.
We’re knights of the Round Table, our shows are for-mi-dable.
But many times we’re given rhymes that are quite un-sing-able,
We’re opera mad in Camelot, we sing from the diaphragm a lot.
In war we’re tough and able, quite in-de-fa-ti-gable.
Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable
It’s a busy life in Camelot &—
[solo knight] I have to push the pram a lot.

Sir Robin’s minstrel: (singing) Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin. He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken. To have his kneecap split, and his body burned away, and his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin. His head smashed in, and his heart cut out, and his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged, and his nostrils raped, and his bottom burnt off, and his penis split . . .

French soldier: I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

Dennis: (discussing the Lady of the Lake) Listen, strange women lyin’ in ponds distributin’ swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. You can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you. I mean, if I went ’round sayin’ I was Emperor just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they’d put me away.

Dennis: (being shaken by King Arthur) Oh, now we see the violence inherent in the system! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help, I’m being oppressed!

King Arthur: On second thought, let’s not go to Camelot. ’Tis a silly place.

Roger the Shrubber: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say “ni” at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land; nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress in this period in history.

From the Bible, Book of Armaments 2:9-21: And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, ”O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade, that with it Thou mayst blow Thine enemies to tiny bits, in Thy mercy.“ And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chu . . . [skips a bit] And the Lord spake, saying, “First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.”

King Arthur: It is I, Arthur, Son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, sovereign of all England.
Guard: Pull the other one!

Woman: I didn’t know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.

Sir Robin’s minstrel: (singing) He is packing it in and packing it up, and sneaking away and buggering up, and chickening out and pissing off home, yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge.

Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead (1990)

The Player: We’re actors! We’re the opposite of people!

The Player: Generally speaking, things have gone about as far as they can possibly go, when things have gotten about as bad as they can reasonably get.

(Guildenstern is role-playing Hamlet while Rosencrantz attempts to discern the cause of his madness)
Rosencrantz: To sum up: your father, whom you love, dies. You are his heir. You come back to find that hardly was the corpse cold before his young brother pops onto his throne and into his sheets, thereby offending both legal and natural practice. Now… why exactly are you behaving in this extraordinary manner?
Guildenstern: I can’t imagine.

Sense and Sensibility (1995)

Elinor: Margaret has always wanted to travel.
Edward: I know. She’s heading an expedition to China shortly. I’m to go as her servant. But only on the understanding that I am to be very badly treated.

(Edward and Elinor are baiting Margaret, to get her out from her hiding spot)
Edward: I wish to check the position of the Nile. My sister tells me it is in South America.
Elinor: No. No, ’tis quite wrong, for I believe it is in Belgium.
Edward: You must be thinking of the Volga.
Margaret: [from beneath the table, incredulous] The Volga?
Elinor: Of course, the Volga. Which, as you know, starts in…
Edward: Vladivostock, and ends in…
Elinor: Wimbledon.
Edward: Precisely. Where the coffee beans come from.

The Third Man (1949)

Harry Lime: Don’t be so gloomy. After all, it’s not that awful. Like the fella says: in Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love—they had five hundred years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock. So long, Holly.

Titanic (1997)

Lewis Bodine: Incredible. There’s Smith and he’s standing there and he’s got the iceberg warning in his fucking hand — excuse me, his hand — and he’s ordering MORE SPEED.

2nd Officer Lightoller: (brandishing a gun at the unruly crowd) Get back! Get back, I say, or I’ll shoot you all like dogs!

Rose: (to elevator operator) I’m through being polite, goddammit! Now take me down!

(Jack and Rose have just broken down a door)
Steward: Here! What do you think you’re doing? You’ll have to pay for that, you know! That’s White Star Line property!
Jack and Rose: SHUT UP!

Tommy: (running past the first-class orchestra) Music to drown by. Now I know I’m in first class.

(climbing to the stern as the ship is sinking, Jack and Rose are stuck behind a slow-moving passenger.)
Man: (praying) “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death—”
Jack: (pushing him from behind) You wanna walk a little faster through that valley there?

Jack: (in the freezing water) I don’t know about you, but I intend on writing a strongly-worded letter to the White Star Line about all of this.

Zorro, the Gay Blade (1981)

Esteban: A little clumsy, are you not, my friend?
Zorro: To be your friend I would have to be more than clumsy. I would have to be stupid.

Esteban: Is your blade as sharp as your tongue?
Zorro: Is yours as dull as your wit?

Florinda: Why didn’t I marry you instead of Esteban?
Don Diego: Probably because he asked you and I did not.

Ramon (as Zorro): Two bits, four bits, six bits, a peso. All for Zorro, stand up and say so!

Esteban: It is a beautiful day… for a reign of terror!

Esteban: (to Zorro) I know you will not kill an innocent man… or me either, for that matter.