Holy baloney, here we go again.
Vickie Pearle, Haunted Honeymoon
Reviews – Movies: H
RATINGS KEY
0/5 – Terrible. Not worth the eyestrain.
1/5 – Bad. Only watch it if there’s nothing else on TV.
2/5 – Okay. It’s not bad, but it’s not good either.
3/5 – Average. Rent it and watch it once.
4/5 – Good. Worth watching a few times (or even buying).
5/5 – Excellent. Watch it, buy it, quote it, love it.
Haunted Honeymoon (1986) · Reviewed 3.21.07
0/5
Retchingly wretched. If I’m ever on the verge of suicide and can’t quite get up the nerve, I’ll find a copy of this movie to give me that last little push.
Heart of the Storm (2004) · Reviewed 3.21.07
1/5
Three dangerous convicts escape from a chain gang and take refuge in a family’s home, holding a mother and her two daughters hostage... and did I mention that there’s a hurricane raging outside? Time-worn setups, but ones that could still make for a good psychological thriller; unfortunately, this isn’t it. The movie plays like a manual on how not to react to armed and dangerous men breaking into your home; you’d think the mother would have thought a little faster on her feet the minute the cons came through the door, but I suppose that if she’d had the brains to say “No, I’m not alone in the house, my husband and five strapping sons are all upstairs grabbing the guns”, the movie would have ended right there as the bad guys scuttled off into the storm. But then, maybe the home invasion is a good thing, since it gives this fractured family the time they need to work out all those nagging interpersonal issues. Plus, there’s the always-enchanting “sullen teenage daughter” motif, overplayed to such extremes that at one point said sullen teen actually rolls her eyes at the man threatening to shoot her mother and sneers, “Go ahead, I hate her anyway.” So bad, it’s... stupid. And then there’s the burgeoning romance between the mentally-disabled teen daughter and the nicest runaway con, which had SQUICKY SQUICKY SQUICKY written all over it. The cherry on the crap sundae is the cast; whoever decided that geeky dude from “Ed” could conceivably pull off “demented and dangerous” really should have rewatched his screen test. And Melissa Gilbert? . . . Actually, that makes sense, because I can kind of understand the urge to hold a gun on Laura Ingalls. It’s “Little House and the Big Bad Men”!
Helen of Troy (1956) · Reviewed 5.25.07
1/5
If your image of history’s most infamous beauty involves a 1950s sweater bra, then this is the movie for you. The Iliad gets a mid-century makeover here, with Rosanna Podesta looking appropriately Greek as Helen, and with Jacques Sernas looking inappropriately gay as her paramous Paris. I’ve heard this billed as the worst movie of all time, and while I have some mild dispute with that moniker (Lady in the Water is definitely worse), I certainly couldn’t call it good. And yet this production somehow lacks even the kitschy fun of such epic cheese as Ben-Hur or The Ten Commandments. There’s the requisite cast of hundreds, of course, but the “epic” battle scenes, which were probably a huge selling point when this movie was originally released, are so obviously taking place in a California back lot that it’s almost more depressing than amusing. Is it worth watching all 2.5 hours? Not really. But it is worth a look-see for those excellent skirts—and I do mean the ones on the men. I saw more butt in this old film than I’ve seen in any recent modern film. Were the censors asleep, or what?
Highlander (1986) · Reviewed 3.24.07
1/5
Who wants to live forever? Not me, if it means having to sit through movies like this for the rest of time. The seminal immortal-dudes-who-fight-with-swords-and-wear-white-sneakers-with-trenchcoats classic did not “wow” me as I had hoped it would; instead, it left me wondering why anyone would like it. The fight scenes are dull, the script is leaden, and the acting—eurgh. And it doesn’t help that Queen (as in the rock band) is usually howling over everything. The whole thing screams nerd, and not in a good way, either; this is the kind of story thought up by pudgy middle-aged virgins who work in comic book shops and daydream about being buff guys who wield broadswords and save hot chicks from evil. I made it about 3/4 of the way through, then gave up and went off to do something more interesting—taking with me that stupid theme song, of course, which was stuck in my head for days. Who wants to shut the hell up, already?
