We are the people you do not see. We are the ones who drive your cabs. We clean your rooms. And suck your cocks.
– Okwe, Dirty Pretty Things
Reviews – Movies: D
RATINGS KEY
0/5 – Terrible. Not worth the eyestrain.
1/5 – Bad. Only watch it if there’s nothing else on TV.
2/5 – Okay. It’s not bad, but it’s not good either.
3/5 – Average. Rent it and watch it once.
4/5 – Good. Worth watching a few times (or even buying).
5/5 – Excellent. Watch it, buy it, quote it, love it.
Dark City (1998) · Reviewed 9.24.07
5/5
On slow Saturday afternoons when I’m feeling particularly sedate, I make it a habit to watch at least the first five minutes of any new (to me) movie that’s being shown on TV—it’s a good way to preview films for my Netflix list, and it helps me weed out the really crap films. Within the first two minutes of this film, I was 99% sure it was going to be weeded out—first there’s a terrible voice-over that spoils the whole plot, then Kiefer Sutherland showed up as the stereotypical limp-gaited, nervous Mad Scientist™, which did not seem to bode well for the rest of the film. But just as my finger crept to the remote’s OFF button, Rufus Sewell appeared… naked. Okay, I’ll bite. And fifteen minutes later I was so deep into the story line that I was yelping with frustration whenever it broke for commercials. What looked at first like a bad attempt at Memento-style mystery turned out to be a brilliant combination of timeless science fiction and golden-era film noir. Everything worked perfectly, every element and plot twist—yes, even Sutherland’s rabbity persona, which turned out to be perfectly in character… considering what he’d been through. (In fact, it was the three-second flashback scene that explained his character’s personality that made me say out loud, “Oh my God, I love this movie!”) This film has been compared to The Matrix (which came a year later) for its similar plot and scenery; though there are obvious parallels (and though The Matrix, with its big-budget action scenes and glitzy CGI, will probably always be the more popular film), Dark City is, as its title implies, much darker and more frightening than the self-important, grandiose Matrix films. The Matrix hands you the whole story, front to back, on a silver platter; Dark City requires you to think and imagine, and doesn’t offer up any easy answers about the past or the future. (Note: If you’re watching this for the first time, keep the sound muted until Kiefer Sutherland first appears, so that the voice-over doesn’t spoil the whole plot for you.)
Dead Calm (1989) · Reviewed 2.10.07
3/5
Grieving the death of their young son, a couple (Sam Neill and Nicole Kidman) take an extended vacation on their yacht, only to come across a sinking schooner in mid-ocean. They rescue the sole survivor (Billy Zane) from the ocean, but Neill finds his tales of woe a little too unbelievable, and sets out to investigate the sinking schooner himself... leaving his wife alone on the yacht with what turns out to be a highly psychotic killer, who takes off with the yacht—and the lady. (By this time, I think it’s obvious that you should never leave a redhead on a ship with Billy Zane.) While Neill struggles to keep alive on the sinking schooner, his wife has to handle her volatile “guest”; fortunately, she’s got a good supply of sedatives, harpoons, and common sense at her disposal. For once, this isn’t your typical woman-as-timid-victim thriller; Kidman’s character can give as good as she gets, and isn’t above playing a few mind games of her own to lure the villain into a false sense of security. It’s not as edge-of-your-seat good as, say, Deliverance, but it does deliver the promised chills and thrills; boats are always good settings for murderous rampages, and nobody goes nutso quite like Billy Zane. There are a few frustrating lapses of logic (for God’s sake, why doesn’t anyone ever kill the killer when they have the chance?), but those are no more than the usual thriller plot twists (hey, if they kill the villain good and dead, he can’t come back for the final scare). Hardcore thriller fans will probably have seen it all before, but fans of the actors and anyone who likes claustrophobic creepiness and character-driven mayhem will get a kick out of this.
The Devil Wears Prada (2006) · Reviewed 4.28.07
1/5
It’s the classic Cinderella story: girl goes to work for Evil Fashion Maven, girl dodges Evil Fashion Maven’s relentless attempts to crush her (girl) beneath Maven’s stiletto-clad heel, girl gets makeover, girl loses soul, girl gets soul back, END OF STORY. And the end couldn’t come soon enough for me—116 minutes, my ass; this movie dragged on so long that I was actually watching my fingernails grow. I can’t blame a slow-moving plot for my boredom, since things seemed to be tripping along quite briskly; either my interest in the fashion industry has waned considerably since Fashion House was on, or this was just a goddamn boring movie. (I’m leaning towards the latter.) Anne Hathaway is at her twitchiest, wide-eyed worst here. The only saving grace was Meryl Streep, who struck just the right note with her icily quiet performance—forget “You’re fired!”; “That’s all,” should be the ultimate business put-down.
Dirty Pretty Things (2002) · Reviewed 3.21.07
4/5
A grim little fable about immigrants (legal and illegal) living on the edge of survival in the shadows of London, this movie has all kinds of horrors—for the socially conscious, there’s the horror of the immigrant experience and all its exploitations, and for the more hardcore thriller fans there’s the bloodier thrills of the black-market organ trade. Chiwetel Ejiofor is entirely convincing as the illegal immigrant doctor turned cab driver/hotel receptionist, Audrey Tatou is fawn-like and vulnerable as maltreated Turkish immigrant Senay, and Sophie Okonedo fans (me! me!) will enjoy (is that the right word?) her turn as a cocky whore. It’s a very sad tale, sad enough that I’m reluctantly putting it on my list of Movies Too Depressing To Ever Watch Again. But it’s definitely worth watching, particularly if you’re in a hate-the-world! kind of mood already.
