Disposing of dead people is a public service, whereas you’re in all sorts of trouble if you kill someone while they’re still alive.
– Francesco Dellamorte, Cemetery Man
Reviews – Movies: C
RATINGS KEY
0/5 – Terrible. Not worth the eyestrain.
1/5 – Bad. Only watch it if there’s nothing else on TV.
2/5 – Okay. It’s not bad, but it’s not good either.
3/5 – Average. Rent it and watch it once.
4/5 – Good. Worth watching a few times (or even buying).
5/5 – Excellent. Watch it, buy it, quote it, love it.
Cemetery Man (1994)
3/5 | Reviewed 3.24.07
Granted, I was flat on my face with cramps and flu when I watched this, but physical pain generally makes me more appreciative of morbid movies and black humor... yet this zombie-riddled tale of a cool-headed gravekeeper (Rupert Everett) and his half-witted assistant left me mostly unamused. Oh, there were some snickers to be found in their morbid misadventures—the half-witted assistant’s love affair with a severed head was somewhat charming, and Everett’s desperate attempts to reunite with/rid himself of his dead/undead lover had a certain gruesome appeal—but mostly this movie chose to wander down every potential plot digression it came across, to the detriment of humor and storyline. Even the bleakly bizarre ending didn’t bump it into 4-star territory. Still, it’s worth a look-see if you come across it cheap, if only for the undead Boy Scout troop.
Children of Men (2006)
5/5 | Reviewed 5.30.07
In a not-so-far-away future, universal infertility and constant violence mark the decline of humanity... but a pregnant woman may hold the secrets to human survival. Scarier than any zombie movie is this glimpse into a world of terrorism and hopelessness.
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005)
3/5 | Reviewed 3.24.07
I had forgotten how much I loved this book as a kid—for that matter, I had forgotten most of the book. The minute Lucy went through the wardrobe, though, it all came flooding back: Mr. Tumnus, the White Witch, the talking beavers, everything. My poor husband had to patiently put up with me bouncing and squeezing his arm and saying, “Ooh, next it’s the wolves! And the stone garden! And Turkish Delight!” There’s something both wonderful and sad about finally seeing one of your favorite books onscreen; wonderful in that your wildest imaginings are finally justified in big-budget images, sad in that they sometimes get it wrong and you realize that you’ll never be able to read that book again without those all-wrong images staining your mind. Visually, I enjoyed the movie; they got most of the scenery spot-on, I think, and I had only a few quibbles with the greenscreen effects. In other areas, however, the movie fell a bit flat; the characters were somehow less compelling onscreen than in print (though this might have to do with the obvious time constraints of a film), and yes, the Christian theme was so blindingly obvious that at times it felt like C.S. Lewis himself was standing over my shoulder, breathing, “It’s a parable, you know, it’s a parable” (though, to be fair, the parable was quite transparent in the book, as well; but at least it was better-written there). I was so caught up in the joy of the story that I forgot to look for the rumored anti-Semitic slurs... which was why, when they did appear, I sat bolt upright and said, “Oh. Oh, no,” and couldn’t decide whether I was more annoyed at the slurs themselves or how blatantly they were presented. Overall, the whole thing seemed a bit defizzed, like a soda that hasn’t been capped tightly enough—still palatable and tasty enough, just not quite as magically bubbly as it used to be. Even if it had sucked ass, however, I’d have to recommend it just for the battle scene—magnificent CGI and a soundtrack that makes you want to stand up and fight for Narnia. That alone would make it worth the rental price.
Conspiracy (2001)
5/5 | Reviewed 3.24.07
A dramatized account of the secret 1942 conference at which the Nazis came up with their infamous “Final Solution” to the “Jewish problem”. No blood, no guts, no screaming blondes; just a group of lawyers sitting around a table—and yet I have to rank it as one of the most nerve-wracking, stomach-churning horror movies I’ve ever cringed through. Kenneth Branagh is absolutely riveting as the affably charming “Butcher of Prague”, the leader of the conference, who steers the other men’s opinions with warm smiles and deadly threats; incredible supporting acting is provided by the rest of the top-notch cast, which includes Colin Firth and Ewan Stewart. The horror of the film lies in the the cold calculation of the genocidal plans, with the men discussing the elimination of the Jews as calmly and ruthlessly as if they were businessmen discussing stocks and products. It’s a necessary reminder that the Nazis were not psychopaths or madmen; they were ordinary men doing what, at the time and in that place, were considered ordinary, honorable things. A chilling portrait of evil and human nature, this is a must-see that ranks with Schindler’s List.
