Parents are the bones on which children sharpen their teeth.
– Peter Ustinov
Yo Momma...
Remember when “yo momma” jokes were all the rage? I sure do. I was so backwards as a kid, I only knew two “yo momma” jokes—yes, I’m serious, two. All the other kids ran rings around me when we had “yo momma” contests. It was tragic; the humiliation scarred me for life. Parents, please: don’t let this happen to your kids. Show them this list, and make them memorize it. Give your children the tools they need to survive in the real world!
WARNING! Some of these are pretty nasty. Flee now if you fear vulgarity; read on if you enjoy it!
... Fat
Yo momma so fat you have to roll over twice to get off of her.
Yo momma’s so fat, her high school graduation picture was an aerial.
Yo momma’s so fat, it takes her two trips to haul ass.
Yo momma’s so fat, she eats Wheat Thicks.
Yo momma’s so fat, she fell in love and broke it.
Yo momma’s so fat, she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says “Okay!”
Yo momma’s so fat, she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.
Yo momma’s so fat, she influences the tides.
Yo momma’s so fat, she lay on the beach and Greenpeace came and tried to push her back in the water.
Yo momma’s so fat, she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.
Yo momma’s so fat, she steps on a scale and it goes, “One at a time, please!”
Yo momma’s so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
Yo momma’s so fat she’s on both sides of the family.
Yo momma’s so fat, the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts!
Yo momma’s so fat, the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures.
Yo momma’s so fat, when she backs up she beeps.
Yo momma’s so fat, when she fell over she rocked herself to sleep trying to get up again.
Yo momma’s so fat, when she gets on the scale it says “To Be Continued...”
Yo momma’s so fat, when she gets on the scale it says, “I don’t do livestock!”
Yo momma’s so fat, when she has sex she has to give directions!
Yo momma’s so fat, when she plays hopscotch, she goes, “New York, L.A., Chicago...”
Yo momma’s so fat, when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
Yo momma’s so fat, when she goes to an all-you-can-eat buffet they have to install speed bumps.
Yo momma’s so fat, when you get on top of her your ears pop!
Yo momma’s so fat, whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in.
Yo momma’s so fat, you have to grease the door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side just to get her through.
... Stupid
Yo momma’s missing a finger and can’t count past 9.
Yo momma’s so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.
Yo momma’s so stupid, she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
Yo momma’s so stupid, she got stabbed in a shoot out.
Yo momma’s so stupid, she jumped out the window and went up.
Yo momma’s so stupid, she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.
Yo momma’s so stupid, she sits on the TV and watches the couch.
Yo momma’s so stupid, she sold her car for gas money.
Yo momma’s so stupid, she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
Yo momma’s so stupid, she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds.
Yo momma’s so stupid, she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
Yo momma’s so stupid, she told everyone that she was “illegitimate” because she couldn’t read.
Yo momma’s so stupid, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
Yo momma’s so stupid, she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
Yo momma’s so stupid, she watches “The Three Stooges” and takes notes.
Yo momma’s so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind.
Yo momma’s so stupid, she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
Yo momma’s so stupid, she tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.
Yo momma’s so stupid that under “Education” on her job application, she put “Hooked on Phonics.”
Yo momma’s so stupid, when asked on an application, “Sex?,” she marked, “M, F and sometimes Wednesday too.”
Yo momma’s so stupid, when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put “O.K.”
Yo momma’s so stupid, when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.
Yo momma’s so stupid, when you stand next to her you hear the ocean.
Yo momma’s so stupid, she could trip over a cordless phone.
Yo momma’s so stupid, if brains were dynamite, she wouldn’t have enough to blow her nose.
Yo momma’s so stupid, if her IQ was any lower, she’d trip over it.
Yo momma’s so stupid, if you give her a penny for her thoughts you’ll get change back.
Yo momma’s so stupid, she asked for a price check at the dollar store.
Yo momma’s so stupid, on her job application where it says “emergency contact,” she put “911.”
Yo momma’s so stupid, she got hit by a parked car.
Yo momma’s so stupid, she had your brother thrown in rehab ’cause he was Hooked on Phonics.
Yo momma’s so stupid, she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gumball to come out.
Yo momma’s so stupid, she studied for a blood test and failed.
Yo momma’s so stupid, she thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company.
Yo momma’s so stupid they had to burn down the school to get her out of second grade.
... Skinny
Yo momma’s so skinny she turned sideways and disappeared.
Yo momma’s so skinny, I could blind-fold her with dental floss.
Yo momma’s so skinny, if she had dreads, I’d grab her by the ankles and use her to mop the floor.
Yo momma’s so skinny, instead of calling her your parent, you call her transparent.
Yo momma’s so skinny, she has to run around in the shower to get wet.
... Slutty
It took yo momma 10 tries to get her driver’s license; she couldn’t get used to the front seat!
Yo momma’s like a T.V. set, even a three year old can turn her on.
Yo momma’s like a bowling ball: she’s picked up, fingered, and then thrown in the gutter.
Yo momma’s like a bubble-gum machine... five cents a blow.
Yo momma’s like a bus, fifty cents and she’s ready to ride!
Yo momma’s like a doorknob—everyone gets a turn!
Yo momma’s like a hardware store: 4 cents a screw!
Yo momma’s like Chinese food: sweet, sour and cheap!
Yo momma’s like potato chips—Fri-to Lay.
Yo momma’s like the Pillsbury Doughboy—everyone gets a poke!
Yo momma’s like the railway system, she gets laid all over the country.
Yo momma’s so slutty that I could’ve been your daddy, but the guy in line behind me had the correct change.
Yo momma’s so slutty, when she got a new mini skirt, everyone commented on her nice belt!
... Poor
Yo momma so poor, I saw your momma kicking a can down the street. I asked her what she was doing, and she said “Moving.”
Yo momma’s so poor, she can’t afford to pay attention.
Yo momma’s so poor, her face is on the front of a foodstamp.
Yo momma’s so poor that when I ring the doorbell she says, “DING!”
Yo momma’s so poor that when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people’s fingers.
Yo momma’s so poor, burglars break in her house and leave money.
Yo momma’s so poor, she married young just to get the rice.
Yo momma’s so poor, she went to McDonald’s and had to put her french fries on layaway.
Yo momma’s so poor, when your family watches TV, they go to Sears.
Yo momma’s so po’, she can’t even afford the “or.”
... Old
Yo momma’s so old her birth certificate says EXPIRED on it.
Yo momma’s so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.
Yo momma’s so old, she reads the Bible and reminisces.
Yo momma’s so old her social security number is 1.
Yo momma’s so old, she owes Jesus a nickel.
Yo momma’s so old, she was a waitress at the Last Supper.
Yo momma’s so old that when God said “Let there be light,” she flipped the switch.
Yo momma’s so old that when she was in school, there was no history class.
Yo momma’s so old, Jurassic Park brought back memories.
Yo momma’s so old, the key on Ben Franklin’s kite was to her apartment.
Yo momma’s so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her.
Yo momma’s so old, the candles cost more than the birthday cake.
Yo momma’s so old, when I told her to act her age, she died.
... Nasty
Yo momma’s so nasty, I called her for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection.
Yo momma’s so nasty, Ozzie Ozbourne refused to bite her head off.
Yo momma’s so nasty, she brings crabs to the beach.
Yo momma’s so nasty, she made RightGuard turn left.
Miscellaneous
Yo momma’s arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear.
Yo momma’s breath smell so bad, when she yawns her teeth duck.
Yo momma has 10 fingers—all on the same hand.
Yo momma has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it.
Yo momma’s hips are so big, people set their drinks on them.
Yo momma’s house is so dirty, she has to wipe her feet before she goes outside.
Yo momma’s house is so small, you have to go outside to change your mind.
Yo momma’s so flat she’s jealous of the wall.
Yo momma’s so hairy, you almost died of rugburn at birth.
Yo momma’s so ugly, even Rice Krispies won’t talk to her.
Yo momma’s breath is so bad, people on the phone hang up.
Yo momma’s car’s so ugly, someone broke in just to steal The Club.
Yo momma’s got one leg and people call her “Ilene.”
