There is a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
– Oscar Levant
Warning Signs of Insanity
This list has been sitting in my hard drive for awhile, so I thought I’d share it with all of my loyal readers—because they, more than most other people, need to watch for the signs of insanity. ;-) I recommend printing it out and using it as a checklist; I did that, and thirty-nine of them applied to me. And no, I will not tell you which ones.
I don’t know who wrote this list, or where I got it; it was in my “Weird But Free Things I Found Online” folder, so I’m assuming it’s free for distribution. (But then, I also assume I’m a boysenberry.) If anyone has any author or distribution info, let me know and I’ll give proper credit.
- Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.
- Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn’t expect tentacles to be growing from.
- You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
- You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
- Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.
- You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward off evil dandruff spirits.
- You’re always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.
- Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
- People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
- Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.
- You laugh out loud during funerals.
- When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out “RAPE! RAPE!”
- Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can’t understand you through that scuba mask.
- You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you’ve stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.
- You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
- Your father pretends you don’t exist, just to play along with your little illusion.
- You collect dead windowsill flies.
- Everytime the phone rings, you shout, “Hey! An angel just got its wings!”
- You like cats. Especially with mayo.
- You scream “I’ve got a knife!” to people who try to sell you things.
- You scream “I’ve got a knife!“ to people at your family reunion.
- You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan’s Island, because they weren’t rescued.
- You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they’ll hatch.
- Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
- You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
- You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.
- Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it’s for security reasons.
- Melba toast excites you.
- When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because “the napkins have ears.”
- You tend to agree with everything your mother’s dead uncle tells you.
- Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think to yourself, “I think I’ll kill the Pope today.”
- You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.
- Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.
- Nearly everything you say involves the word, “P-toing!”
- You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
- You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time and pretend that you’re a stalk.
- You think that exploding wouldn’t be so bad, once you got used to it.
- You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)
- People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
- You like reading lists like this. :)
- You sit in your room for hours on end listening to Peter, Paul & Mary and playing solitaire on your computer.
- You experience periods of time when your mouth can do nothing but sing “Mama’s little baby loves short’nin’, short’nin’....”
- You begin to start almost every conversation with the introduction to The A-Team theme song.
- You spend three hours sitting on the floor cutting and pasting a project for your COLLEGE English course, and you get really frustrated because you can’t recall all the kindergarten-period skills that it requires.
- You check your e-mail about six times a day, only to find that nobody cares enough to send anything to you.
- You believe that Quayle would actually win the 1996 presidential election.
- You read Anne Sexton’s poetry for twelve out of any sixteen-hour period.
- You read Sylvia Plath to cheer yourself up, and when that doesn’t work you pop “The Wall” into the stereo...
- You think Popeye’s anchor tattoo would look even better on YOUR forearm.
- You use Speed Stick Clear Ocean Surf Deodorant for the scent.
- You start appending a list like this, and you find yourself just going on and on and on and on...
- You start to repeat yourself.
- You start to repeat yourself.
- You start really stretching for bad jokes and cheap laughs.
- You recognize that you are doing so.
- You blatantly announce it.
- You keep looking in the Rap section at Tower Records trying to find that new M.C. Escher album.
- Your greatest accomplishment to date is your new-found ability to blow smoke rings.
